bittersweet

fade in: i’m the main character in a teen movie. and i live in a third person paradise, where someone else is always looking out for me. and i’m brave, and pretty, in an effortless kinda way. i stand up for what i believe in. i scream until my lungs bleed out. i make the right decision.

and when i’m lost, i dream of cityscapes, and burning nights, finger on the pulse. reminisce about the good days, when i don’t doubt these hands are mine. and when the world goes silent, sometimes i like to sneak out after dark, and swim across a monotone sky.

i pretend it’s bittersweet; make poetry from this bleak desert wasteland, but no turn of phrase will ever make it pretty. because death is not a friend, it’s not an enemy. it doesn’t give a shit. which is worse, honestly. because i swear, i feel it watching me sometimes like an unpaid debt. i think i’ll bide my time. smell the roses, and get old, or whatever people do.

but my wrists murder me, and the chords ring out fuzzy, the pasta boils over on the stove, and i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry. in my head there’s an angle here, a narrative, and as the world burns a part of me is already sitting at my desk, 1:25am, trying to make the lines fit together, like pieces in a puzzle. remember those?

remember swingsets and naivete, and whole world i can’t control? i don’t miss it. i just wish it was different, you know?

smoke

coffee always tastes like a bonfire to me. it slips down my throat, leaving a bitter aftertaste, makes my heart race and palpitate. my jaw clenches, and the back of my skull throbs. but this shit happens sometimes, you know?

you shatter on the cork floor, or stare into the mesmerizing light of the refrigerator. use a whole box of tissues, and cry into your dinner. you watch parks and rec on your phone, for ten minutes or five hours. i don’t know, does it matter?

because i’m just tired. and angry, and lost. so i’ll lash out, like a child, trapped inside ceramic. can you blame me? can you save me? can you get me out of my head, even just for a little bit? give me neat rules and clear definition, tuck me into bed with a cup of chamomile tea, at 9:23pm. exactly.

and when i wake up, blood will cling to the tips of my fingers like the morning dew, and i don’t fucking know what to do. you whisper sweet nothings in my ear, tell me it’ll all get better if i just listen to you. but i’m not a kid anymore. i know it’s not true.

inertia

my wrists snap, and crackle like the static on tv. i scroll through amazon for hours, looking for some miracle cure i can’t afford, to give my life meaning.

and my stomach churns, and my hands flap around aimlessly. i overthink what i see in the mirror, until i don’t know what’s left and what’s right, and it all just sorta blends together. so i run for my life, and i crash into the ground. nick my finger on a bread knife; wake up feeling like i’ve just come back from hell.

and i just kinda… sit there for hours. splash my face with cold water; brew some more tea. scroll through instagram, and daydream about money. about having an apartment, and i don’t know, paying my bills? filing my tax return, putting on some songs, and making myself a mediocre dinner. maybe going on a late-night run to a nearby costco afterwards.

because it means i’m okay. it means i’m all right. and maybe the stars are fading away, maybe the traffic lights flicker and groan, but i survived. and that’s all i can hope for, you know?

and tired, and sad, and cold are not excuses. i have to keep going, i have to do this. but i just can’t stop scrolling. or watching sitcoms on my phone. i collapse on my bed, and wrap myself up in blankets, wishing my ghosts could just leave me alone.

i push a broken car up a hill, all on my own. chug three cups of coffee on the long drive home, and fall asleep at the wheel. the sirens pulse as it all fades out; this can’t be real…

My 2021 resolutions, I guess?

Hey guys! So, normally I am not one to make resolutions–or a big deal out of holidays at all, to be honest. But I’ve been kind of wanting to make some just for fun this year!

New Year’s is probably my favourite holiday. I mean, for starters, it’s the only one where you don’t have to make a super fancy meal, or spend lots of money, or in general put in tons of effort if you don’t want to. (But there’s also plenty of room to do those things, if that’s more up your alley.) Everyone is always really hopeful and excited around this time of year, it means I don’t have to worry about Christmas until next year, and also, January is really dark and depressing, so it gives you something positive to focus on. Anyway, here are my resolutions!

Get my sleep schedule back in control

So, during quarantine my sleep schedule just flew completely out of control. I was going to bed at 2 or 3am, and it made me feel awful, but I’d structured my whole day around staying up that late, so it was a mess. Anyway, in the end I managed to get my shit together, and I maintained a strict “bed at midnight” rule throughout the summer. But over the first semester of school, everything fell apart a bit, and it’s not a good feeling. So I’ve been trying to put myself to bed earlier, and force myself to adjust to a more reasonable sleep schedule.

Be more punctual

I never thought I would become that person who’s always late, but I guess here I am. In my defense, I have a lot up in the air, and it’s hard to keep track of it all. So inevitably, even if I do a really good job at one or two things–I get my blog posts done early, I finish a podcast episode on time–I end up missing an appointment, being late for school, or forgetting about something I promised to do. Even if it’s not a big deal, I always feel super guilty, and beat myself up over ir. So this year, after I get my sleep schedule fixed, I really want to work on that.

Reach out to people

So, I have social anxiety–which is a really fun add-on to my regular anxiety, I love it. Anyway, because of that, I always get really shy about reaching out to people, online and in real life–even to just say I really like their work. I always feel like I’m being irritating, or wasting people’s time, or something? I don’t know. But if there’s anything I’ve learned about writing over the years, it’s that having real, meaningful connections with people in the community go a long way, and can be super mutually beneficial. And if I’m gonna make this work, I need to let other people know I exist.

Something that ties into this for me is also getting better at marketing. I understand some of the theory of how to sell your work to an online audience, but to be honest, I’m too shy to actually do the work involved with that, and I always feel like I’m being annoying and get really freaked out? And that’s not doing me any favours, so this year I want to learn about marketing. Even if I’m too awkward to apply it, I feel like it’s a good skill to have up my sleeve.

Find a good medication

So, this isn’t really something I can guarantee will happen, or control, and in part writing this is just a way of holding myself accountable. But! For years, I’ve been trying different medications, and for whatever reason none of them have worked. The medication I’m taking now is totally useless, the only reason I take it is because if I don’t, I’ll go into withdrawal. But I’ve been putting off calling the doctor about it for months, because I hate phone appointments. (And last time, my doctor had really bad reception, so while he was telling me how to go off my meds safely, I only could make out every fourth word.)

It’s really frustrating, and tedious, but it’s also something I need to do.

And that’s about it! Like I said, I don’t know if I’ll go through with any of this, but hopefully saying it in a somewhat public setting will force me to, a bit. Do you have any New Year’s resolutions? Let me know 🙂

Lots of love,

Lorna