no one really
knew what he meant but we
bowed in our heads seeds
of broken in our
all the emails we got these days were automatic we tried replying just hoping for love anyway the emails ricocheted like bullets into our faces.
not so beautiful up close i’m sorry.
i couldn’t be
careful enough couldn’t
wrangle the world together
well enough everything
flew out from me everything
flew out of shopping
tipped over backpacks
exploded like dying stars the
things we’d spent $100
for turned out to be
useless the charge cables were
doused in water the ravens all
ceased to caw the power lines
we wrote it just to be long.
day never ended.
we lost control of ourselves.
we were wrong we believe each other
anyhow screamed at the authority figures we were
grown-up the moment we wanted to be children.
pain popped up
like pinpricks from the cities
the whole globe
seemed to be bleeding
when i looked at it
i didn’t know how to fix it.
i didn’t know where it was coming from.
i screamed so loud when i was alone.
time was still space was
started at the bottom of the
snaked up rapidly with a
sound like a last breath.
my stomach emptied out.
i was alone.
it was spreading i screamed that didn’t stop it.
nothing really gave me control.
they advised me
on a blog about writing
to find a rich man and make him
fall in love with me they patted me
on the head and told me to
brand myself like a cattle be
shit this is gonna cost a lot of money.
they advised me
you can’t have everything can’t
even have half of the
dreams you envisioned
would sit on an apple tree
just waiting to grow
and green by the time we
started to want them they
were rotten we tossed them
away we looked at the pink-streaked
ice-cold sunsetting sky we
cried like we were
shattered vases no longer capable of holding
flowers we became knives.
went in the recycling garbage
went in the recycling no one
cared or noticed
christmas lights shattered. the inflatable santa claus shattered. the rules you taught me i believed more than anything shattered. the earth quaked. the highway rippled like a soundwave the earth was blown up into fire. the computer screen shattered. the google server holding everything i’ve felt since september shattered. the things you told me just so i wouldn’t feel like the world was breaking apart every second passing shattered my hopes of a life i wanted to be living.
i felt queasy.
i was scared i wouldn’t love you anyway.
the friendship i thought i could feel building up in my throat shattered
under words you didn’t even say.
bitterness was like a bomb
the fire wouldn’t light no matter what i did to it.
no eruption is coming sit in silence he’s not coming.
how to swear in public like
anger was no longer
something we could
parents were stories
we never ended left sitting there
on notebooks hanging midsentence.
after i was dead you
read through the notebooks
scattered around my bed thinking it
would help you know me but it
never really did.
you forgot my name.
i cried in the car the whole way home i kicked and screamed
i broke a little broke a little i didn’t want to struggle through the next
attempt to relearn how to breathe.
it’s hard to believe
can still be happy aren’t just
maybe we die at the moments when we can’t handle to be broken more than we already are.
I BARELY EVER SEE THE LIFE IN YOUR EYES.
the things you said turned out to lie.
there’s a bank account in
switzerland no one else
can reach but when he died he didn’t
give the numbers so we pick through his
ashes looking for a genie in a bottle to grant even one of
our fucking wishes.
i stood there.
my hands shaking.
that didn’t even part for one little
shaft of sunlight.
it didn’t matter
that there could be a future
because nothing would feel
i’m sorry i stepped
on the screen of your calculator
when we were supposed
only be pretending.
the phone lines didn’t work any more than our promises.
i couldn’t see through the tears in my eyes the streetlights
shut off and there was a lump of plutonium in my throat nothing
came out when i tried to sing but laughter that meant nothing
laughter that slipped like an
wind through my lungs.
everyone went past me this wasn’t a movie my throat was scratched eventually you get tired of waiting so
you write the ending just so
you know what you’re reading.
the dreams in my head to swallow me up.
i built this for the money and that probably will doom me.
you whispered that you would catch me if i fell but what does it matter if our arms lacing into a safety net below each other are spindle-thin famine-starved weak and collapsing?
i was breathing.
i thought of the people who didn’t have choices.
my stomach churned.
i didn’t understand myself.
i thought of the endless torrent a
waterfall in my throat i thought of
eight-minute songs and stuccoed walls.
i thought of asbestos-filled abandoned houses.
i thought of the life i’d never live like i thought that
i thought of how
they’d scream at me for this.
i thought about how i could write a billion words and it still wouldn’t be enough.
i thought of a clock.
i thought you were tired of listening.
i felt unsafe inside my body
felt too warm.
if this was what the
universe gave me i wanted
to stop i wanted
to stop i wanted to break
everything i could think of i wanted
the shaking in my heads to
i was breathing like a billow struggling
to start a fire in the middle of an
i told myself i would
be different but i didn’t know if
anyone would find magic in
my vocal cords.
i didn’t want to care anymore but i wasn’t sure if i could afford to.
your will said
everything but the
things you meant.
i remember the way
hope shattered when we read it.
smiles meant nothing.
endless i’m sorry.
weight on my eyes made me want to
curl into the smallest possible
seed i could find.
the name wasn’t mine it was only a student number.
it’s night there’s a knock on the door. IT FELT LIKE NOTHING.
i sped forward under the streetlights
the second before the crash
broke my body rendered my mind
a prisoner there were
streetlights and stars i went as
fast as i could my breath made a fractal
of steam in the air the second before it broke
the world was beautiful.
dust-specks made mountains.
i said nothing
to you in the hallways but god i
wish i did.
the recipes lied but they
were truer than our history
which we studied obsessively
we were taught to
ride our dreams like they
were oceans we were
taught that we were made to shine we
did not ever ignite the
kindling in our throats.
we drenched each other
in gasoline thinking it would
give us talent.
mountains were broken
on the edge
it’s calm then.
what would you choose if there weren’t really choices?
i had been weakened but at least my weakness
allowed me to feel happiness I WOULD RATHER BE WEAK
I HATE THIS.
i lost track of the archive i kept of the notes we passed.
we closed our eyes
when the phone rang
because it was almost
never good news when
anyone wanted to talk to us.
i leaned over