compass

the sky

is blank.

 

you can’t

tell it’s cloudy

at night.

 

just blank.

 

i read this

book when i

was little

about a girl

who was friends

with the wind

until she asked it

to find her

a real friend

& so it

kissed her goodbye &

left her

to play

with a boy

her age.

 

the author

said they

were happy

together.

 

i don’t

remember

what it was

called.

 

i wish

i did.

 

my mum

doesn’t even

remember

reading it.

 

the light’s

off.

 

because you’re

gone.

 

a whole

continent

away.

 

there are

no stars

to find

my way

back to

you.

 

no stars

to show me

my shadow maybe

he & i

could be friends

someday.

 

someday…

 

the sky

is getting

darker.

 

but it’s

still better

than yesterday.

 

by just

a minute.

 

just one

more minute

together i’ll

take the scrapings

off the factory

floor i’ll take

anything.

 

i got

a shot

two

days ago.

 

the place

where the

needle

pierced me

it doesn’t

hurt anymore i’ve

taken off

the band-aids this

is deeper.

 

i tried

to be normal.

 

felt like

suffocating

but i did it anyway

day after

day.

 

living

without

checking the

clock

hoping

that maybe

if the eons

passed inside me

then i’d be

grown up.

 

grown up.

 

grown up

is fucking

overrated.

 

i used

to read

all your words

every

morning.

 

i used

to text you

carefully.

 

i used to

try & tie

you together

like thread like

a string.

 

have you

moved on

without me?

 

probably.

 

some nights

i get close

to googling you your

url is still in

my muscle memory.

 

i thought

i would’ve

done anything

to be

part of

something.

 

something.

 

to fill

the empty

hole in

my chest.

 

i left you.

 

i chose to.

 

but only

because i didn’t

see another option.

 

but only

because

i was scared.

 

i want

somewhere

to  feel like home

this time.

 

i guess

that’s why

i like looking

at the

stars in

the sky.

 

because

i am

part of something.

 

i’m always

scared of

trying new things.

 

it’s like

i’m risking forgetting

what i love

already.

 

i realize

that i’m

supposed to

tell you

some wisdom here.

 

but i don’t

know any.

 

i don’t know

how to tell you

that it’s getting

better.

 

because i’m

scared of falling

out of love

with you–

 

i’m scared

i’ll look at this

& i won’t be myself

anymore…

 

i used

to write

letters to

my future

asking for its kindness

before i realized

that the future

can’t write back.

 

there were

moments,

though.

 

when it

really

felt beautiful.

 

i think

maybe this

is the closest

i’ve

ever been to you.

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