shovel

snow

falling

softly.

 

sun

hasn’t

risen

inside

me

 

freezing

cold.

 

edge of

the highway.

 

you don’t

stop

 

you don’t

even

look at me

 

you don’t

stay you

don’t say

anything

 

it’d be

so much

easier

if i

could just

go alone

 

maybe

nothing

would hurt

 

maybe

everything

would echo

 

i can’t

 

the cars

go past.

 

my fingers

are going

numb.

 

my

heartbeat

is going

numb

 

you’re

not coming

you’re

not coming

 

shooting

yourself down

feels like

a bullet

in the chest

 

feels

like vertigo

 

like that

time when

you were

little and

you were

crawling

across the

monkey bars

and you

fell

 

and no one

noticed

 

like for

a moment

you can’t

breathe

 

i can’t

breathe

 

he told

me the

world

wasn’t beautiful

 

i told me

the world

isn’t beautiful

 

token fucking

advice

is not

gonna fix

a bullet-hole.

 

telling me

to grow up

is not

gonna fix

a bullet hole

 

the one

you call ugly the

one that gapes

right

through my

throat

will not

wipe itself

away when

i try

to swallow

 

the sky

is so

blue

 

have you

ever thought

about

how beautiful

that is?

 

there’s

a pool

of blood

at my

feet

 

that’s

all the

times i

hated myself

 

that’s

all the times

i still don’t really

trust anyone

to keep a

secret when

i beg them

to that’s

all the times

i jumped out of

trees & ended up

breaking a bone

 

because

when i

needed someone

to talk to

you

hung up

 

didn’t explain

why

 

didn’t

explain what

i said

wrong

 

didn’t

explain

 

feels

like a

cliff-face

 

i wanted

to go

sledding

you don’t

understand

what this

means

to me

 

flying

 

you don’t

understand

what

this means

to me

 

you don’t

understand

that i need a

pacemaker

to make my

heart keep

breathing you don’t understand

that these

words are

the best bandages

i’ve found

 

how

sometimes

my skin

feels like

it’s made

of concrete

 

how i’ve

walked

to the edge

of a

black hole

and you

didn’t even

try to

keep me

back

didn’t

hold my

feet

carefully

 

you

didn’t

 

you weren’t

fucking there

 

maybe

this is what

i asked for.

 

YOU WEREN’T FUCKING THERE

 

hey. if you’ve been reading my poems, thank you so much. it’s not a miracle. it’s not the solution, it’s not gonna stitch you back together, it’s not like a miracle treatment. but god, it helps. someone else on the other side of the world says thank you. i hope that these poems mean something to you. 🙂

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