silver

black

sleek

designs

&

silver

keystrokes

slippery

fashions

were supposed

to make

me laugh

but they

didn’t.

 

were

supposed

to make

me feel

better.

 

but they

didn’t.

 

so i

tried my

best to

live to

the sound

of your

music like

my dad’s

heavy footsteps

in the middle

of the night.

 

he’s

always

up in

the middle

of the

night.

 

increasingly,

so am

i & yes

that scares

the shit

out of me.

 

& yes i

just googled it.

 

insomnia is

hereditary.

 

& yes

it scares the

shit out of me

that maybe

i was never

really in control

of my mind or

my body yes

it scares the

shit out of me that

every time i

leave technically

everything

could end

in a second &

i would know

nothing about it.

 

yes it

scares the

shit out of me.

 

the words

like gunfire

in my mind

sometimes.

 

yes it

scares the shit out of me.

 

that i’ve

never even completely

lived a day

without worry.

 

yes it

scares the

shit out of me

that my life

is running out

of time already.

 

yes it

scares the shit out of me

that i’m not even halfway through

high school & i’m

picking out a university degree yes it

scares me that i

can’t go back can’t

change a thing yes it

scares me of course

it scares me.

 

was it supposed to?

 

yes the music

you listen to

scares the shit out of me.

 

yes

i wish i

could tell

you

anything but

what i did.

 

yes.

 

yes it

scares me

when you

laugh so

easily.

 

yes

it

scares me

when i

do what you

say when you

dangle

my everything

over the

edge.

 

but i’m

not allowed

to fight back.

 

yes

it scares

me.

that i

can’t hear you

and you

can’t

hear me.

 

it scares me

that a part of me

half-asleep

inside believes

everything you

tell me.

 

everything.

 

even

horrible things.

 

that echo

around inside

me.

 

even when i

pretend

to tell it

to stop.

 

not that it works.