fearless

the taylor swift song echoes through my head / echo through my head / echo through my head / i have listened to this song / before i knew it / inside my head / like snowflakes / on cold metal / i carefully caught the / words you said / the words / you said / carefully / watched the movie trailers / based on famous books / i said / that it would be wonderful / if everything / could be / like this / but i don’t think / it is. // but i am not good / at learning / how to trust / strangers. // you can be good / at something / you’re crap at / you just have to / get good / at sledding / over yourself / sledding / over yourself / sledding / over the lumps & bumps of yourself / wind in my hair / reckless fearless. // i want to / plunge myself / out the edge / of an airplane. // i want / to / feel / the clouds / rushing out my cheeks / i want to / breathe / this time / when you play / the piano / your fingers gracefully / slipping off the keys / swimming / through the music / like a dolphin / swims through water. // i want to have / enough time / to laugh with you. // i swear / that yesterday / was the day / i started knocking down the walls in my chest / but it’s going to take / years to finish. // i swear / every article i read in the newspaper feels like a knife carving away the lazy edges of my mind. // lack of sleep / causes hunger. // christmas lights / twinkle in the corner of my eyes. // i wanted to be / mad at you / but you did nothing / to me. // i want to / click this into place / like a love song. //  i want to place you face in the trailers / i’ve seen. // i want to dance / in the snow / but it’s weighing down my feet. // but i built / a sled jump / in the front yard / & the first time i tried it / it fell apart. // having fun / is still possible. // when you’re / alone. // it’s just / harder. // it’s just / quieter. // like writing / both sides / of a conversation / with you in it. // reckless fearless. // that would be / dancing in the middle / of the street. // that would / be grabbing a megaphone / & screaming / that life fucking hurts sometimes. // that would be / telling you / that even though i showed you / the papersmooth / worn-out parts of me / there’s still / pieces / with dreams / inside them / there’s still a part of me / that believes / pretty has a meaning / there’s still a part of me that wants more / than the echo of this room when you leave it. // this room / when /  you leave it. // there’s / a part of me / that’s still 9 years old. // there’s a part of me / that listened to taylor swift / & didn’t care / what the words meant / there’s a part of me that / threw dance parties for myself / & pretended i had the kind of friends / you write / books about. // a part of me / that knew pretending so well it clung like saran wrap / shiny & hard to detect / that moment when / you realize nothing is / what it looked like / nothing is as simple / as it seemed / that moment when your hand / touches the solid / screen. // that moment. // 9-year-old self sits in the corner of my chest watching the sunset / thinking about romantic / kisses. // 9-year-old self feels guilty for asking you nothing more than financial questions. // i don’t know / how you live without / hope. // maybe that’s my bias. // wind / in / my / hair. // don’t / think. // maybe / it’s not / supposed to last / forever. // maybe / it’s just / supposed / to last / right now. // maybe / if / i’m / honest / this time / maybe / if i’m / honest / maybe

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