pink

i need to breathe i need to not feel  like this… i need to not feel like i’m drowning in the color pink… my fingers are half-asleep… my throat is a bubbling explosion… tears forming icicles on my eyelashes… but i could spend the whole day with you but please don’t go but please don’t die but please don’t… words come too quickly… i can’t even breathe clearly… the sky is orange from smoke… there’s an automated message that begs me don’t go…. hold music… there’s an automated message that doesn’t respond when i talk back at it… i almost scream help me… because i don’t have much time & maybe that would make you pay attention… but i don’t… say this i mean i do talk to someone in the end… jingle bells…. music… music… the scrape of the ice against the wood slowly forms words recognizable as a radio broadcast at midnight… why do all the pretty things come out at night… music… say something… say it’s ok that i feel this way… say i’m worthwhile… the smell of melting candlewax… is it still valentines if it’s not midnight…the closest thing to love i celebrated today…was singing in the shower… this song… that’s stuck in my head … about you… about … fiction… about… fiction… because… this isn’t what love looks like to me… i smile… i can’t tell if you mean what you do i just want this day to be over because i know it doesn’t mean the truth… because i laughed along with you… but i don’t want… humor… because i laughed along with you… but i’m… so… tired… but there is…vinegar… dripping invisibly… down my cheeks… sleepwalking … valentines… jingle bells… biking through the snow which melts too quickly after the end of winter… a mess of words i can’t sort through… smell of honey… you come home late… you’re the ground… prone to earthquakes & breakouts of wildflowers… a drifting ocean of color… spam comments… but wait… don’t ask questions they’ll only change the answer… stay up later… just push yourself… a little later… i need a little longer… i need you to be a little quieter… the ripples of your lips… whisper in my ear… let me talk assume the questions are rhetorical don’t answer… bubbling… waterfall… spaghetti… boiling over… icicles like fruit hanging on my eyelashes… starlings… scratches… there’s these short little seconds i can’t stop thinking about where i feel nothing… ruin heaven on purpose don’t ask me why i do these things… maybe it’s just to prove in pain i own myself… but it isn’t owning… when you’re slipping on the ice… wind knocked out of your chest… the sky sort of bends but it doesn’t in reality i just don’t know how else to describe paralysis… like reaching out… to hold hands… with the air at a bus stop because everyone else has love… because you told me… go find love… because you… must be getting tired… too… what kind of a bedtime story is this when my brain is a summer cacophony… when my brain is a tv i’ve forgotten how to change channels on or turn off… the sound of cellos… night i’ll see you next evening… night i’ll see you later … night why can’t you give a participation award to the moon it was only trying to turn its dust into something like a star… night why can’t participation count for something… night can the stars hear it when i tell them thank you… do you know i mean it when i tell you thank you… do you know i mean it when i tell you i’m doing good but only 1 of every 10 times… night why does everything have to be statistics… night why does everything… change so quickly… night can you staynight do you love me… night are you listening… night do you care when i fall apart… night is there a god up there… night is he looking out for me… night why do i keep getting let down in the things i beleive… night does her heart yank out of her chest for me… night did he think about sending me a candy-gram… night did he send candy-grams to anyone… night… could you tell him… that i care… night… night why does everything have to be organized… night could you tell me a story… night could you make me believe it when it ends happily… night… are you… still… listening… night… don’t… go out… on me… you’re all i’ve got to write by… night… i’m so tired… sometimes i think i always will be… night… tell me a story… from my future… this time… hey night… am i ever… going to be happy… night… are you happy…. night…. do you…. understand… how i feel… today… night… did anyone… think about sending me… candy… night… are you laughing at me… night… i’m lonely… night… depression has become a warm jacket in the middle of winter for me… night… please respond… night… right now is when i need you to start writing my story… now… night are there angels who are trying to guide me… night… is it really that pretty…. night… i’m getting cold now… shivering in the word pretty… night… can i trust you… to hold these feelings… with the utmost of confidentiality… night… i wasn’t very productive today… night… i moved the mountains of my teeth today… night… i think i’m getting sick… night… i think the whole world is getting sick… night… they just turned off their light… night… is anyone listening… is anyone reading…. night is this waitline ever gonna start ending… night… help me… night… do you love me…

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