thank you so much for believing in me. please don’t stop. never, never, never.
but / i’m not / perfect / but i’m not / perfect / but i’m not / perfect / i’m not / even close / to perfect / i’m a spill on the counter / i forgot to shape into something / prettier / into something / easier / but i’m too / quiet / too / quiet / but my opinion is so easily / molded / my thoughts redrafted like messy essays scribbled on napkins you plagiarized / i’m crying tears that melt me like an iceberg / but i’ll have refrozen / by sunset / the split second you just don’t get it even though i love you like i love the ground below me / how can i be a lightbulb / how can i be a lightbulb like you say when i don’t even realize it / i’m scared i’m more hate than love / full of so much rain / but not enough sun / & rain / will not help / melt things / but it only makes the ocean rise higher / i’m scared without the pain / there’s nothing i’ve got left / scared i can’t keep going further / but i’m tired of the colours / only i can see / like a private light spectrum / i tailored for myself not realizing the dress would become a prison / i’m tired of being bright bright blue / except you can’t see blue / except every time you look at me / you roll your eyes / you laugh / you act like poetry is a word i scribbled on the chalkboard of myself / no / poetry / is like the item my third-grade teacher etched onto the whiteboard / in sharpie / hot lunch orders / still waiting there / poetry / will not be erased with rubbing alcohol / should not be erased with rubbing alcohol / trying to erase poetry from me is like / trying to erase my heartbeat / trying to wipe the air air away where i touched it / because you said / it got too messy / sometimes it feels like you would rather be invisible / my soul is like a rainforest / no one else bothers to walk in because they’re scared of the tigers / i always get the same compliments / wise / insightful / self-aware / bright / etc / strangers / repeating like this / broken record / am i the broken record or is it you / are you the broken record or am i / you don’t understand / whatever beauty you see in my eyes / i can only kind of find / & if i did / i think it might ruin me / & maybe it exists / or maybe / you’re just lying / i’m tired of you / not / understanding the colour / bright bright blue / but i’m not perfect / but i’m not perfect / but i mess up all the time / but all / those / teachers / told me / that someday / they would be reading my novel / & yeah for a second / it made me look people / square in the eye / but how do you know my novel would be so great / if i asked would you stop / believing in me / would you tell me i was being crazy / if i was the kid panicking in the hallway / would you call me crazy / you wanted me to be a rocket / you could pour the fuel / into / i don’t know / maybe / you fell for a reflection / & not a reality / maybe i fell for a reflection / & not a reality / sometimes / this version of me / who stands up on stages / is the only thing that makes me pause in the mirror / before i call myself / stupid / evil / liar / sometimes it’s the only time i feel / at peace / ok / at peace / ok / you were kind / in front of me / but / what did you say / in the lunch room / what did you say / to someone else / what did you say about me / when you realized / my mind was an attic i am crawling through hoping / i don’t put a hole / in the roof / sometimes the sound of my / voice feels like / a sticky snakeskin / i want to cast / away i didn’t / tell you / this / & i close my eyes / my hands are shaking / it’s like you’re talking in a foreign language / i shove the praise at my reflection & watch myself hug me back / trying to melt together my / hundred thousand tissue paper faces / you whisper encouragements / sometimes / when i read over my own work / it’s like reading something in a different language / sometimes / when i look in the mirror / it takes me a moment / like / oh my god / that’s / me / sometimes / my mind just / sort of / goes / blank / like / an empty / document / error / error / error / sometimes / even telling the truth / feels like getting into a locker / i’ve forgotten the combination of / having to use / bolt / cutters / we’re not even talking about massive / secrets / but / when / will i be / good / enough / for you / but when / will i / feel / ok / this is the only time i could call myself / 99% ok / but / why / can’t / i even / talk / to you / why does my brain / see little butterfly wings / to be tornadoes before they even / rise in the morning / why don’t i know / or want to stop / holding onto pain / like it’s a pacifier / somehow / if i see it / does that make it true / & / the thing is / it’s not / enough / to be different / when there are a million other stars / in the sky / & maybe i’m just / pleiades / maybe i’m only / a small cluster of stars shaped like a house in the night sky / maybe / i’m not bright enough / to be / noticed / because / i can’t / see / half of this / my lungs aren’t / even empty highways / they’re just / dead / inside / my mind feels / carnivorous / which is ironic / since i’m vegan / which is ironic / because i tried so hard i disappeared to not hurt anything / because sometimes hope is the only lifeboat / that won’t collapse on me / it’s just you can’t buy it easily / i tried so hard to not hurt anything & it worked well until i realized i was lying
note: whenever i find the time/ quiet rooms, more spoken word recordings will be coming. might even work on a voice recording for this poem later.