autumn

trigger warning: feelings of hopelessness

look at all these pretty things and the sudden chill through my veins. look at all these pretty things, dying. look at all these pretty things, breathing. look at all these pretty things, going into hiding curling up into turtleshells that feel more like insulation than anything. look at all these pretty sunsets like reminders to turn on our nightlights before the darkness descends like the sun knows it’s going to fall into the ocean and it just wants to tell us how much it loves us. or how much it hates us. or how much this world does not give a crap what you think of it still trying to teach us confidence. look at all these pretty things around us. most of them are built on darkness. look at the shadow behind you. look at how it shakes like a blade of grass when the wind rushes through it listen to it. look at how it’s begging you not to let go yet. look at your heart. look at how it’s always bleeding a little bit. look at all the bricks on your back you’ve been carrying this far without even using a backpack. look at all the footsteps you’ve left behind you. look at how much you’ve grown since the first moment you opened your eyes and none of the feelings like tidal waves made sense to you. the pictures they took just to make lies out of you. look at all the people who have loved you. look at all the people who have waged war against you. look at all the things you’ve managed to do. all the mountains you have conquered in your head only to stare up at the real version without a button for fastforward a button to get through the pain you’ve already lived through over and over again. remember all the things you’ve thrown out into the world, and even if it’s only valentines cards and snickerdoodle cookies i still have your valentines cards pinned to my bedroom wall in case of winter because winter can and will come. winter can and will fall. winter can and will make the light in your head flicker out. and off. winter can and will make your heart stretch outs its hands as far as time will let it go just looking for a sign that someday this will be over. looking for a way to get your heart out of this grinder. i was not made to be kept in the dark this long. listen to all the sounds around you. look at all these beautiful dying things  you can’t even begin to save with the one arm you have available between juggling school and people and people there are so many people they all want something from you. if this is stress how much worse is it going to get? listen to the frantic beat of your heart rushing around the room trying to save every pretty thing around you. right now. and look at all the stars or the clouds or the raindrops. look at this. like life is a movie we can’t get out of. like our endings are all tangled up with each other. like we’re all butterflies caught in a spiderweb totally feeling the doom. but pretending we’re not. pretending it’s fine. because if it’s fine, you don’t have to call in sick for life the next morning, and you reach a point where. you can wake up and you can stare up at the ceiling and know you’re not all right and somehow, keep walking, which is not always a good thing. you can open up your voicebox like an ancient archive everyone forgot about and get a little closer to throwing away the lock this time; fall in love without all the headlines staining your bloodstream. but they are there. whispering. they are there, and i want to be okay. they are there, and i want to run so so far away. but somehow i manage to breathe in. and out. i want to fall because it’s easier. but somehow, i don’t. even though my bones feel like stalks of wheat someone is trying to grind into flour so they can make bread out of me.  this is not easy. i feel this desperate kind of insanity where i will take your hate and hope it into love because if love can hurt if love can make me feel like collapsing on the floor my heart pounding like i’ve just run a marathon how am i supposed to tell the difference anymore? yes, the world moves fast. yes my heart can shatter like it’s been struck by lightning yes it only takes seconds to start crying. phone calls through the darkness, wanting to be both closer and further away. your body is falling asleep, and the blood wrestles through your arteries & the cold is suffocating. yes. i admit that i just want it to be easy and beautiful from now on. yes. i’m not sure how i’m still breathing.


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