oh god

trigger warning: oodles and oodles of social anxiety, mentions of compulsively picking at yourself, self-hatred, use of blood as a metaphor

and i’m like hey and / anxiety is like / is my hair a flyaway mess today / is my skin covered in scabs i gouged out of myself hoping to dull the water of constant worry / do i smell sweaty because i have been running from my nightmares since the moment i woke up today / can they tell that this is the cardigan i wore yesterday / can they tell i feel like i’m drowning inside my own body / and then i’m like / oh my god is someone gonna judge me /  is someone gonna think i’m crazy / is someone going to punch me / is someone gonna hate me / is someone going to make me hate me / is someone going to laugh at me / am i alone in the world / do they think i’m crazy / oh my god is someone gonna shatter the fragile layer of seran wrap covering up the cracks in my resolve to fix myself / can you see the numbness in my eyes / the bruises on my thighs i inflict upon myself / the nights without sleeping enough / oh god i’m sorry / and then anxiety is like / god you’re a mess / god you need to fix yourself / don’t be so much of a mess / dumping your feelings on others like their hearts are disposable / god you’re such a manipulator / learn to listen a little better / except i can’t listen because anxiety is like / what if i make a mistake today / what if i trip and fall down another sinkhole it’ll take months to dig myself out of / my brain splattered with bloodstains / and i’m like / don’t be stupid / you’re smarter than you were then / you’re smart enough not to make someone else think you’re stupid / smart enough not to cry / smart enough not to let them in / the worry is sanding my hope away / is this shirt pretty / oh god / i’ve been worrying too much now i’ll be sweaty / do my thighs look weird / i am the awkwardest kind of curvy / does it matter anyway? / could you just fucking give me a list of everything that will make you hate me / and then i’m hiding in the bathroom because this conversation was too scary / and then anxiety is like / do i look naive / do i sound naive / do i look immature / do i look fat / do i look ugly / is someone judging me / can anyone see how i’m looking around trying to understand / everybody around me / trying to jump into your head so i can reassure myself i am not alone in this no matter how much it feels that way / because it feels that way / i just want someone who notices me / and then anxiety is like / oh god that’s the fifth time i’ve used the wrong word today / wait what if they actually like me / but they like the wrong me / but they like the fake me / oh my god do i want friends / do i want them to actually like me / am i trying too hard / am i trying too little / is my hair frizzy / is there someone who spends the seconds i am gone laughing at me / like i laugh at people some days / not because i hate them just because / just because / it’s just teasing / just because it makes me feel a little more okay / i should chill out / i should be calm / i should be a better person / i should be okay / and then i’m hiding behind a library bookshelf peeking out at a world i cannot participate in / and i’m like / i don’t want to be teased / i don’t want to be unnoticed / i want to be perfect / i want to be everything / oh god what do you say when i’m / gone oh god / i’m breathing too fast / shaking little / flimsy tree branches / for arms / cut-and-pasted / fragments of a personality / scrambled around like one of those smoothies / and then anxiety is like / do i need to eat less / am i disgusting / do i make your days worse by being in them / am i a horrible person i feel like a horrible person / i am so fucking sorry give me a second my brain is screaming / except when i close my eyes all i feel is the presence of another person burning into me / why the hell aren’t you breathing / the alone is driving me crazy / my arms are shaking / like there’s something in my soul / that’s breaking / you asked / why i like writing / & i told you / it’s the only part of me that knows how to scream without hurting anybody / and then i’m staring in a mirror and i’m like / oh god am i gonna be too weak to bear the burden of today / oh god am i gonna break / i am balancing buckets of water on my shoulders wondering when the tipping point will slam into me and shatter all these remnants of my broken dreams / oh god / can i even listen to you / without collapsing / i’m a weak brick building three centuries old / all i needed to fall apart / was your hand / and all it needed to do / was touch me


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