trigger warning: intense feelings, mention of cancer
well. uh. let’s start at the top. and the top is the blizzard inside me right now which is falling. softly, i guess, and softly is good but not great because i’m still freezing. i don’t know what normal means, and sometimes i wonder if it is this, this state of chasing my mind around and around in circles looking for answers that we will never find. no, you don’t understand. in my mind, snow is a constant state. and i have no kind of weather forecast. no barometer. i am juggling dollar bills in my mind, even when everything is looked after, because i am not poor, but i was brought up to believe that every blessing can and will leave. i was brought up to fear. and then they wondered, why i was always afraid. because. people are silly, that way. because. i am not logical. that way. because. the silence feels like it’s boring into me. the blizzard inside me, it’s soft, and somewhat easy to swim through. soft, and somewhat easy to deal with. soft, and then suddenly screaming. soft, and then i’m bleeding. soft, and then i’m drowning. soft, and then all i want to do is to hang out with someone who understands me, except. i just don’t know. how to sing. how to laugh. how to open my mouth. how to dance around and around and around. i don’t understand what it means when you say that you’re ok. because i don’t know what it means, to be ok. because i just want the quiet, today. i just don’t want anyone to talk to me, except actually no the quiet is giving me cancer again. i need someone to talk to me. i need someone to be there for me, and please say you want the real answer. please say you’ll be there for me. please say you’ll like the real me. the real me. which me is the real me? because there are so many… because there are so many… because there are so many… and yeah, actually, i think i’m doing okay, and like my heart is kinda sunny, but it’s also screaming at me and. i’m kinda manic today again. i think i’m feeling manic, as in my heart is a toddler, scribbling over paper, and the paper is my life, and i’m not sure what i’m saying, but i know it sounds a little weird and my internal news station is flicking through a thousand headlines a day. and my anxiety tells me you won’t get it but what was i saying sometimes i say things and sometimes the things i say sound stupid. i hope you can see the person through that. but i’m not sure you get it. because not all people get it. not all people will get it. when you’re trying to breathe, it can get complicated. and when you’re trying to make your way through the world only you can’t, it can get difficult. and when every word feels like an insult, all of this can become one massive mess and your heart can become your own roadkill, and did you know that souls can tangle? and did you know that a single whisper of sound can become the start of a raging noise that you basically have to accept as a background. a background, as in my mind is something i have to learn how to tune out. tune out, as in this is my heart, and this is how it always will be. tune out, as in i am constantly standing in the center of my anxiety’s rock concert, waiting until all the sound kinda fades out. and i want to tell you it’s going all right but honestly tonight. i’m a seed, planted in a haunted house. or. i’m not really sure. it’s pretty big, and empty, and cold. so maybe we could call it’s a house, or maybe it’s a dungeon, or maybe it’s a prison. i don’t know, because i’ve never actually climbed out.
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