10p.m.

trigger warning: numbness, stress, exhaustion

i can’t write because / your voice / is safer / than mine / which explodes sometimes / which hurts me sometimes / which is too much sometimes / the tidal waves of emotion / which drown me sometimes / the busy days when i barely have any chance to write / the busy days / that are too loud sometimes / the dilating sound of your voice / which is so loud sometimes / the seeds of dandelions blowing around my mind / they are so fast sometimes / sowing seeds of worry that look beautiful at first / before rotting / and when the doctor told me that a little bit of perfectionism was a good thing / maybe i just don’t understand but / i don’t think he was thinking about my feelings and the fact that hating my own skin hurts me like crazy / and my feelings strangle themselves regularly and it’s so much sometimes and i don’t understand how this can ever be healthy / and honestly i just want to get out of my own mind / and honestly i just want to bury myself like when i was younger and / when the sand was warm and heavy / as it enveloped me and / when i closed my eyes / the entire world was gold on me / it’s so much sometimes / and i can’t write outside of school anymore i mean not really / not like i used to / not like i was writing myself back to reality because i don’t want to be in reality / my mind is so heavy it’s so hard sometimes / the way i scroll through social media / the way i will take any excuse to escape from myself / the way the self-control i used to have melts so easily / it so infuriating sometimes / most times / the way you watch me / like i am a fuse box and you are trying to prod bolts of lightning out of me / sometimes / the rollercoasters of my emotions / falling and rising / slamming into themselves / i’m a volcano set on destroying itself / and the thing is / i am turning off the light just to stare up at the ceiling just to not think about anything / why i could not do it / why i could not give the world everything / why i could not write more / write harder / write faster / trust others / say the right thing / and i know the answer to that and i know i could fix this but / i’m frozen in my skin and sometimes / i just wanna be blind


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