relapse

trigger warning: mental illness, anxiety, depression (kinda), self-harm, suicidal thoughts

i’m falling. i’m falling, and the air whooshes past me, and i could hold on but honestly it’s easier to just forget everything. and honestly, the depression is kinda numbing. and honestly, after a while your miserable becomes all right. and. it’s all kinda complicated, but my arms are shaking and i’m sobbing on the inside as i watch harry potter and the order of the phoenix with my friends because harry is so fucked up and everything is so much like reality, but also because harry has an army that actually changes the world because the world is small enough that it’s possible to mold it with a couple hands and some determination, and even if you scream i’m not convinced i will ever get 7.5 billion people to listen, and i miss the feeling of believing. and i tell my therapist that when i speak poetry, it doesn’t feel like reading. it feels like holding a bird egg in your hands. and knowing that there’s something alive inside there. and knowing that there’s something, a future, and it’s that that you’re cradling, and your hands are kinda shaking, and this is something, and maybe this is everything, and it’s warm and a little terrifying, and your chest is overflowing, and yeah it’s kinda addicting. and yeah, it’s my lifeline. and yeah, i forget to do the things to make me happy. and yeah, i’m tired, as in i’m a castle and i’m melting, and all the words can’t rush out of me quick enough, and everything is twisting. and i’m getting dizzy, and the sky is kinda bending. and my fear  is a mask i cower beneath, and when you ask me if i’m all right, i’m not sure what i’m supposed to tell you. because yes, i’m surviving. and yes, i’m hanging in there but the key word in that sentence is hanging, and i’m hanging but this branch i’ve been holding onto is breaking and let me tell you that people were not meant to live in suspension this way, perpetually freefalling into nothingness, but i think maybe it’s all i’ve ever known, or i’m not sure. the depression and exhaustion mixed together are toxic and blinding, and i’m tired. and tonight, they’ve got me convinced they’re my allies.


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