how to fuck up

trigger warning: fairly detailed description of a panic attack, self-harm mention, exhaustion, self-hatred, mention of surgery

stay up. because sleep feels impossible. because there are too many feelings, none of which you know how to process. coat your soul in blankets and cushions make a classroom out of your heart and stand at the door, your fingers brushing against the wood, and listen to them knock but do not let them in. start panicking. tears, dribbling down your cheeks, skin numbed and deflecting what they tell you because it’s too much and it hurts and it’s not true and you have to pretend that you are made of metal. you are made of metal. you are smaller than the atoms of your skin. feel your heart pounding in your chest but it’s ten times louder than it is. collapse. i mean, let your chest cave in. and don’t run. your hands will be shaking, and maybe your mind is melting,and as the wires cross i swear it’s blinding. do not think about the damage. ignore the gigantic mass of your self-hatred. become so terrified of the monsters hiding in your mistakes that you forget to apologize, and now there is a mess towering behind you. i’m screaming as the ashes fall and the sirens wail all around me. punch yourself in the middle of the night when they’re all sleeping like if you hit yourself hard enough, you can pound the hurt out of you. and afterward, when you’re lying on the cold grass in the backyard and it’s so dark outside, cry for the mess you’ve made of yourself. cry for the bite marks and the scabs that still won’t heal. hate every part of yourself. like hatred is enough to saw off your broken limbs. breathe the kind of breaths that come right before the onslaught of tears pounces on your lungs and decides it’s time for a rainstorm. time to pour out everything i’ve been meaning to tell you and haven’t been able to. every syllable of i’m sorry scrambling itself into i’m still angry. because i am angry. let your feelings swallow you and don’t fight it.jump off the edge before you’re ready to, because then i’ll stop thinking like this. because. if i stop acting like this, i will stop thinking like this. because it’ll be over in a second just don’t think about it—just don’t think about it—just don’t think about it.


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