trigger warning: depersonalization, anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts
hello people! so over the past couple days i have been a nervous wreck, which is probably because of the new wattpad account; i’m not good with new changes in my life and at first i generally throw myself way too much into them and then wonder why i’m at the verge of a mental breakdown.
i’ve been finished all my schoolwork (i homeschool, but take one class at the local high school) for a week now, which means i have a ton of spare time coming up. so far i’ve been pretty much nonstop busy, between running this blog and my wattpad account (let alone touching any of my other social media) i haven’t had that much time to myself. also, compulsions are time-consuming, which really doesn’t help. like, i’ll be trying to write, and then i’ll decide to check my wattpad in case there are new notifications or views or something. only five minutes later, i’ll need to check it again, and again, and again. i can kind of manage it, and i’m working on it, but…. sometimes, i feel like you can’t heal from something until you face it head on, even if that means repeating that action. running away from my feelings isn’t that simple, and i’m trying to stop doing that, but GAH. it’s like, whenever my mind senses that my heart (emotional cortex, whatever you want to call it) feels too much, its immediate response is to panic and shut down and try its hardest to go numb to it. like, i have this problem with being controlled. so whenever i feel like a figure of authority (usually my parents) might try to control me, i shut down and immediately go numb to everything. i’m not sure if that’s depersonalization or not. this is hard to describe without using poetry, but it feels like the part of me that is me–my soul, my heart, my brain, whatever–is being pulled slowly out of my body, and what’s left is just a husk. it’s empty. and trying to help myself through that is, of course, really difficult, because i’ll be trying to reason with myself and in response to myself, i’ll just be like “but why should i do this calming thing, my feelings don’t matter at all and i am just a speck in the cosmos and i will die and DID I TELL YOU YOU ARE A WORTHLESS UNLOVABLE PILE OF CRAP??” and the cycle will go on. usually, i write it out to distract myself… but it’s painstaking. and difficult. honestly, even thinking about it is difficult for me, because if i do i’m usually pretty prone to sliding into that feeling. i had a couple weeks last month where i honestly felt like i was done with that feeling. now, it feels like it’s coming back to me again. i’m not sure what that means.
it feels like, to me, there’s this box of sadness that’s constantly in my chest. and most of the time, i’m fine, because all this sadness is kept below the surface. but sometimes that box of sadness gets opened up. and then i kind of explode, i guess. so is that depression? because whenever i think about that word, it feels like…. like i’m standing in the middle of a fog. and when i try to write about that feeling, in short stories or poetry, it comes innately. so do i spend all day feeling sad? no. i can function. i can get up and take showers and write poems and maintain a social life with people who i really care about and get my schoolwork done and most of the time, i don’t even think about it. but sometimes, that box of sadness gets just a little bit open, everything comes crashing down, and it’s all i can do to hold myself back from the edge. that place is where most of my poetry comes from.
i feel like that’s probably a coping mechanism i developed when i was younger. when i was six when i first started having suicidal thoughts. i feel like when you’re that young when mental illness really starts to hit (before that i was irritable and anxious, but not depressed)… you can’t get through that without burying it, a little bit, which is what i consciously did. when i was nine, i decided that i wasn’t going to show anyone how i felt, that i wasn’t going to be broken and sad anymore. and most of the time, it worked. but i would also explode. i remember one time my teacher was yelling at me and i panicked so bad that i ended up scraping my skin to the point of bleeding with a ruler. since then, writing has helped me learn a lot about how to express myself and has made me a lot more conscious of my feelings. but part of me is still that nine-year-old kid who is determined not to be dragged down or labeled or seen by anyone else as weak for what they’ve been through, or different. a part of me that has so many feelings, and no idea how to deal with it.
i guess that’s why i write. and it is getting better, it’s just… slow. and although i can see my progress looking backward, in the moment, it’s easy to forget that.
okay, on a more technical note, i have four stories on wattpad now. one of them is fanfiction, because i am a nerd, so i won’t give you the link to that one. the other ones are short stories, two of which are ongoing and one of which is finished. check out my profile here: https://www.wattpad.com/user/dragonwritesthings. read heroes here. read the sleep here. and read to the person whose virus infected my computer here.
i hope you’re all doing all right. just in case you’re not, here’s a list of crisis lines. (it’s from wattpad support, but it’s the best masterlist i’ve been able to find on the internet so far, so just ignore the first part and scroll down.) you are not alone in this. ❤
big hug and deep breath,