mentality

trigger warning: numbness, confusion, suicidal thoughts, self-hatred

i don’t need food i am a robot not a body / this dizziness in my head is just something made up inside me and my heart pounds swear words and self-hatred into my body / into my body / i don’t like my body and i don’t like / how you look at me or / how i look at me or / how i feel right now or / maybe my heart is just pounding and it’s getting confused again because i get confused again / because i literally want to disappear into the floor as in i want to collapse as in i can imagine myself like a feather letting go and falling not knowing or caring where i am going / and i’m going to be fine without anything / i’m going to be fine / and something has convinced me / along this convoluted pathway that it’s all right or ok to be running on nothing for a thousand years at a time / and the thing about trying to subsist of as little as possible for as long as possible is that when you stop there is a black hole inside you / the scars you have inflicted upon yourself are palatable / and i know that tumblr would have something to say about this but i don’t know how to fix this / i don’t know how to fix them and i’m so scared it’s all so complicated i’m so confused and / don’t make me eat in front of you / and don’t make me fall asleep in front of you / and i’m honestly scared of showing you who i am / because my brain is a kite and my anxiety runs away with it as we speak / silence is the medication i forget to take daily / and overwhelm is the ocean i drown in daily / and there’s so much to say / and i just want to sleep because it’s been a while since i’ve slept fully / the days are blurring / my brain is a pencil with no lead left and my heart is there, but i think it’s drowning in water, because my eyes are burnt-out lightbulbs and i’m tired and i don’t know how to answer your texts, because i’m feeling more than overwhelmed, no / overwhelmed was before and this is after / and i’m fucked up in so many different ways and it kills me to know this / and am i special to you? / am i everything to you? / am i loved by you? / and i know i’m loved by you and i know that it’s all right and i know that i’m home and i don’t need to be so uptight but every time you’re gone it’s just hard to think clearly / maybe it’s because for a really long time i’ve been running on empty and my response to running on empty is to wish i could die and i hate this / being at the bottom on purpose / just to be someone else’s landing pad / otherwise known as my own landing pad / otherwise known as self-sabotaging because i’m tired and there are a billion words for this but all i know is that i’m one amongst a legion of fucked-up people on this planet that is also by the way dying / and the rules are a knife / and they’re about to cut away the lifeline of my choices because i’m so scared of being controlled i can barely face it / and the whole day blurs before me / and there are so many things i have to be doing and my mental illness has permeated so deep within me and i’m scared that someday my heart will no longer be able to keep beating and i’m scared the fight inside me is finite and failing / and i want to scream / i want to hold protest rallies / i want to do big things / i want to change things / i want to break things but my hands are melting / and i’m frozen midmotion


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