sanity

trigger warning: depersonalization, self-hatred, numbness

songs i don’t even like flicker through me. disjointed thoughts. it all collapses way, way too quickly. and i’m so, so tired. but i did good, right? maybe? and can you just say that you’re proud of me so i can pretend to be happy, and is that going to be enough for me? i’m just not sure right now. what i’m supposed to do to make me happy. and i’m not sure, so mostly i just try to let my head to fall to the ground and the thought kind of overrun me. and i’m not sure who i’m supposed to be but i failed at being myself or it feels like it today and i’m really sleepy. the thoughts are ants, and they run over me. i don’t know how to be honest about my feelings without laughing and that scares me. that scares me. that the crows call, and it’s only a moment and i’ll grow back from it but right now i’m kinda drifting away from myself and i hate the expression on your face. and i hate how my feelings are always so complicated. and sometimes, i’m fine. but right now the fog is thick. and i can’t stand the lines of this world if they aren’t aesthetic. and sometimes i wish everyone who was like me could just stop existing so i could be the best at everything and there would be no competing and no feeling like i’m not good enough to consider this as a job but no one deserves to die for my insecurity. when i look at the old pictures of me, it’s hard to even comprehend how much time has passed but it has passed and it is passing and that’s kind of unfathomable to me and who will i become and what if i’m not what i want to be? what if it’s not all right to be tired and a little sleepy? what if i’m not the next child prodigy? i’m scared of the sunrise in my bedroom and the creaks just behind me. i’m scared of the echo of your laughter as it becomes a coat of leather enveloping me. and i’m so scared of being abandoned. and lonely.


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