things i never said

trigger warning: insecurity, relationship anxiety, fear of abandonment

i’m not sure how to receive love because i’m so used to living in a wasteland of it. so i don’t know what to say when you say i’m wonderful. ‘cause in elementary school, my friends never really gave me compliments and usually i was just. the weird kid. i think most of the relationships in my life have been one-sided, and this is confusing and a little disorienting. i’m not sure what i’m doing, excuse me while i lock myself in the bathroom because i’m probably a bad person. and sometimes, i get insecure, and i’m honestly amazed you find anything in me worth liking. and i’m honestly amazed that you’ve seen all my darkness and you still want to be near me. and you can tell i’m having a bad day by when i’m online a lot because as long as i’m focusing on something else i can escape my brain, and as long as i’m constantly focusing on something else it’ll be all right, and they told me when i was little that i should never go in a dark alley without someone with me, and maybe you are that person who comes with me, except the monsters are my brain and they are there almost constantly, but i’ll come with you always if you need me. i’m drifting, slowly, and i need to anchor myself but when you toss out liferafts i’m too paralyzed to grab. which doesn’t mean i’ll be paralyzed forever, it just means i’m having a bad day because there were too many feelings and too many mistakes, and i can’t handle this heavy weight. i can’t handle this heavy weight and i’m sorry if i’m dumping on you. i’m sorry, if i’m supposed to be different this is all i’ve got. this is all there is. my accomplishments are a candlelight i cast out and pride is a river i am desperately trying to drown in. and i want to be proud of myself. i want to wrap myself up in my arms and i want to be all right. but the idea of that is so large, and i don’t know how to even get started, wrapping that around my mind. i am standing at the centre of the sky and i’m trying to comprehend what’s happening and i’m trying to be a good person i’m trying to be perfect, even though i don’t feel perfect. because then it’ll be all right. and i’m scared of you leaving and i’m scared of you not coming back. and why are we all leaving? where are you going?

 

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