patronus (edited version)

trigger warning: suicidal thoughts


i should probably tell you there’s a dementor in my head / i created it from the well of hopeless that feels like a lake when you fall into it / and i want you to go until you’re gone / and then i’m drowning in a river of silence / there’s a dementor / i sleep with / breathes like bass cello  / and i know you want to know the truth when you ask me how my day went / but i don’t fucking know / because i believed / all the lies i could quickly inject into my veins / because nothing else felt true but / inside i’m so far away it feels like a movie i’m watching twenty feet away / the things i feel / the things i say / i should tell you /  the dementor / is not the best teddy bear / but it’s the only thing tonight that feels like safety / i should tell you / i’m drowning / i should tell you / that there’s a dementor in my head / and i know you would tell me learn how to cast a patronus / but i don’t want to / but i’m scared / but it’s a part of me / but don’t touch me / don’t get anywhere near me / don’t tell me you know me / don’t tell me / no / tell me everything that sounds like safety / because i’ve dissected myself so deeply that i don’t know what my soul would even look like anymore / & harry’s patronus / doesn’t even keep the darkness at bay forever anyway / the therapist / i only see on a walk in basis / always tells me / to be stronger / ties flimsy / guy wires to my fingers / like that’s actually enough to keep the black hole away from me / i should tell you that the memory of you is already melting into my history / i should tell you taking advice / feels like letting some stranger take remote control on your computer / i told her / i think i learned when i was younger / freeze yourself over and get some ice skates / get on your jacket / tough it out and get goddamn stronger / and maybe you didn’t even mean it like i heard it / but those words are still tattooed into my forehead / i think i learned that / beating the dementor / back with your fists / into a box of metal / it’s easier / than letting someone in / and don’t let them in they’ll just adjust the heating like it’s that simple or that easy / but hey as long as you’re the victim / you can’t be the monster / and maybe that’s why i keep hurting myself on purpose just to make sure /and while we’re at it i should probably tell you that i can’t stop thinking about what if we’re just a bunch of dust flecks shuffling around our little space rock playing universe / & what if it doesn’t matter / what if / a part of me / it doesn’t want to die exactly / it’s not that there aren’t things that make me happy / it’s just i don’t care and i can’t seem to grasp the concept that my heart is not a punching bag / and i’m not even sure i should try because what if it turns out everything i thought i knew about myself / was a lie / it’s not that i want to die exactly / it’s just /  i’m that island / in the south pacific / they all say is gonna get buried in water / and i’m stumbling around an empty room / and i swear the whole world is spinning / and i can’t breathe / and i’m collapsed against the kitchen counter / and there’s a part of me that’s numb to everything / it’s not that i want to die exactly / it’s just / i’m tired / and sleeping this out sounds / really nice /  it’s just i wanna / press pause on my life / i wanna wade through a river where the water rinses away the past and leaves me with the quiet sunrise of the future / and nothing hurts / and nothing can hurt me / i want to see if the grass is greener / because i’ve been told they have flowers / i’ve been told flowers will make me feel prettier / i’ve been told flowers are good at getting rid of monsters / i’ve been told the grass is greener / and why  / can’t / i get there?


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