it’s late at night

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it’s late at night and the stars are out which is part of the reason i’m awake anyway. it’s late at night and i’m scared of being the bad guy. it’s late at night, and i’m scared to close my eyes and i don’t even know why. it’s late at night and the words echo through me, all too clearly. it’s late at night, and it turns out that yes it is possible to write beautiful things even when every word is a bullet and it never hits the target and you don’t feel anything inside. it’s late at night and apparently it’s possible to feed the monster in your mind a thousand times over and still not be satisfied because my chest is empty and i’m still not entirely convinced that can be fixed by anything you tell me. it’s late at night and i’m scared of what you’ll see when my guard isn’t up to hold back the tide because i’ve never been human in front of anyone before and i hope you understand that this is hard for me. it’s late at night and i am trapped i am trapped i am trapped in my body. it’s late at night and all the little things seem so much bigger on the inside. and i guess the shadows on the doorway  burning against the moonlight make you look like a monster, but maybe that’s just how you usually are. and maybe i got this wrong. maybe i’m just seeing what i need to see. it’s late at night and i want to be numb because if i can be numb than i can not care about what they have called me. and then i can just stop thinking and just do it because i want to believe i can do this. i want to believe i can do this. i want to believe i’m worth this. but disputing the thoughts just makes them seem more alien and so i try to count them. like sheep. like i can stitch the broken pieces of myself together and i just need the right kind of needle and i need to ignore the fact that having a needle shoved through your skin fucking hurts and ignoring the fact that i don’t even want to be put together right now because this hurts so much but it also feels so good to me. and maybe that’s the problem. maybe the reason i like the stars is because in my head… there is no gravity.


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