cat

cat

my therapist tells me it’s time to name my anxiety. like this is something normal, like i’m naming a child or something. like if i can just slice it away from my heart and leave it bleeding on the floor like it’s left me bleeding on the floor it won’t hurt me anymore. and i’d like to believe it works. i’d like to believe that just calling it cat spelled C-A-T will change everything. because you have this way of making it sound so easy. the words they’ve called me echo through my head which sucks because i just wish i could wipe this away like a mess off the counter or a hiccup in history but it’s not. that. easy. because pretending it doesn’t exist is the emotional equivalent of the smoke alarm going off at 1a.m. and me deciding to fall asleep to it. but i still kind of wish i could bury it under the carpet and can we pretend it never happened and because they do that in stories and it sounds easier than bench-pressing the weight of my feelings but the more i write about it the less it makes sense and god. this is such and inconvenient time to do this and did you have to fall apart right this second people need you. and why are you always so stuck inside your head?  my therapist tells me it’s time to name my anxiety, and i name it cat. like this is something normal, because it probably is normal, because we’re all fucking crazy, and we’re all fucking dying because the planet is dying and the economy is dying and what’s the point of falling in love with anything because we’re all fucking dying and i need help, but i don’t even know how much longer i’ll be able to afford it. and i just keep thinking back. keep thinking back. keep wondering. if there was ever a time before this. if there was ever a time when i was standing at the edge of an empty highway and my heart wasn’t heavier than titanium and my dna wasn’t a cage and everything was all right and therefore maybe if i tried hard enough, i could bring my mind back to life. my therapist tells me it’s time to name my anxiety, and i name it cat, because i’m desperate. and i guess i’ll believe anyone if they tell me it’ll get better if i just… try… this…


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