i don’t want you to see me

i dont want u to see me

i don’t want you to see me. i don’t want you to see me falling apart inside and building myself back up again because it’s complicated. and i doubt you’d ever get it. and even if you were willing to listen you’d probably misinterpret because everyone misinterprets. i don’t want you to see me, i don’t want you to know the kind of power strangers have over me. i don’t want you to see me, because then you’d probably hate me. i don’t want you to see me and now i want to cry because i honestly thought that one of the things i was good at was honesty. i don’t want you to see me because my poetry comes out like some kind of flash flood or maybe a tsunami and maybe i just have way too many feelings kicking around inside me. i don’t want you to see me because then you’ll realize that i don’t eat the same things that you do, and i don’t watch the same things as i do, and then you’ll probably hate me. i am standing in front you and i think i have blown my flimsy lungs empty but you still don’t understand what i mean. i don’t want you to see me, and i don’t really know how to write poetry. i don’t want you to see me, and i curl up into a tiny little ball of nothing inside but on the outside i’m sure i look fine because it’s always fine because i’m so good at acting i fool myself sometimes. i don’t want you to see me because it’s not simple, and it’s not easy, and why don’t you understand that it’s not easy. i don’t want you to see me because i feel like you’ll leave me me if you realize how much i empathize with the people around me but especially the bad guys i guess because deep down i still feel like maybe broken windows and punching my thighs and screaming and screaming and screaming are all i have in me and it scares me that it’s actually possible to be hated by an entire society. i don’t want you to see me because right now i’m feeling pretty crazy. i don’t want you to see me because my anxiety has me held captive inside my mind but the pain is still not great enough to satisfy the black hole inside me. and i don’t want you to see me, because then i’d have to tell the truth and the truth is too complicated and too crazy. and i don’t want you to see me because my life is stop motion and broken and i want to feel nothing and i want to feel everything and i don’t want you to see me, because i don’t think you understand the atomic-bomb kind of impact even three words can have on me. and i’m not sure i can handle it if you control me. i don’t want you to see me, because i know that this is a choice i am making and all i have to do is pull myself up and out and away and i know that’s possible, so why doesn’t it feel that way?


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