i am an acrobat

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trigger warning: discussion of weight-related issues

i am an acrobat. and i’ll juggle every single hat i own and i’ll do tricks to impress you just to let you know that i’m real and i can handle this. because i was supposed to be able to handle this. because i’m sure there’s someone else out there who would be able to handle this. because i am an acrobat. and i’ll give you all of the moves i have. and i’ll stay awake until way, way too late, my head slowly spinning out of control again but that’s the point. because if i can just prove to the world that i’m worth more than being nobody maybe… i am an acrobat. i am in tune to every last mention of the word imperfect. i am an acrobat, and you’d be amazed at what i can do when i put my mind to it. i am an acrobat, and i am exhausted, but. i keep spinning. because maybe i’ll keep the weight off then. i will hollow out my stomach and then i will feel all right then… i am an acrobat. and i am perfect i will be perfect then. i am an acrobat and it’s just… right now it feels like there’s a black hole in my head. and i am wrapped up in my own emptiness. i am tired, and wired, and i am yours. and i will do whatever you ask of me. and the seconds will feel like infinities because i keep dancing until my legs are shaking and  my bones are finer than the stardust in my veins because then. i’ll be worth it, right? worth your time. worth your energy. worth trying and trying and trying and trying, building castles from my broken bones and making masterpeices for nobody to see. and if it matters. please tell me. tell me i’m not just a kid. tell me i’m not just an idiot. tell me they’re not right about me. because sometimes, the blood has this way of rushing through my veins. and everything spins upside down and the clouds twist as all logical reasoning slips out of my head and i’m falling falling falling little kid off the monkey bars falling, and i. can’t. breathe. again.


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