and i have not left the house all day but i can’t drive so i guess that’s probably normal and ok. and i haven’t left the couch in hours. probably written around 2000 words today. mind smudged and just a little bit empty. newspaper articles and courage don’t really mean anything. this day doesn’t really mean anything. or whatever. right? because right now, i just want to close my eyes and see all the lies you never said until it all melts in my head and stare at the flicker of the city lights until my mind goes dark again. until my heart cuts out like a radio broadcast because right now, i just want to sleep. or be numb. or not feel anything. or cyberstalk the kids who used to bully me because i want you to beg me for forgiveness for all the ways you’ve fucked me up, goddamnit. because i want to sleep and i do not want to sleep because i can barely string a sentence together right now but what of the sky falls? and i know the happy poems are the ones you want the most but i don’t know if cat really wants to hear about those. or if i can really tell the truth while i’m writing those. because i know there are people who want to stick around to see me in the sunlight but what about when things are dark inside? what about the days when i can’t give you light? what if this is the last time i see you? what if my memories of you are slowly fossilizing and someday there will be no one to sit on the roof and count stars with, and i’ll be all alone in my head please. don’t. leave. please. don’t. leave. please. i need you. and i want to sleep in an apartment with many cats sharing a bunk bed with you. where everything is simple and uncomplicated and we are just a bunch of friends since childhood. but life never lets me keep people, does it?
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