and now all the flowers are dying

and now all the flowers you gave me are dying(1)

because / on the day of the performance / you gave me cut flowers / and you smiled / and you encouraged me like you always did because / i guess that’s what you do / and you said / that i did good / and it didn’t feel like i did good right then / but i think you were right / because for the first time in a long time / i wasn’t terrified and it’s the last day of school / and the flowers are dying / and i miss you is all i mean / i miss / feeling / like i would never be lost again / because now i’m just sitting here writing poetry / half-asleep / and aching / and probably totally catastrophizing / because anxiety can do that to me sometimes / make me feel like my insides are being split open sometimes / make my head wash itself to nothing only to clear everything out on these shelves and here we go all over again / here we go / and / i / slowly / fall / and on the day of the performance / i run into the bathroom / and i stare into the mirror / and i splash water on my face / and i stare into the mirror and / it’s all your fault it’s all your fault it’s all your fault / and / i can’t think and i can’t think / and it all rushes through like a flock of butterflies on their way to die / way / way / way / too quickly and / what if nothing is what i thought it would be / and / what if it’s over after this / and what if i’ll never be happy / and what if


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