trigger warning: suicidal thoughts
it’s probably very productive. because at 1a.m., i stare up at the ceiling. and the suicidal thoughts have a way of whipping through me. through me. through me. because your thoughts are in my head, and i’m drowning. fingers slamming on the keys. as the lightning hits my mind and call this anything you like. say i’m frankenstein, because i swear as you slice my mind open, i’ll try to be quiet. i’ll try to close my eyes. try to not feel like i’m bleeding as you push me, push me, push me into my mind. and it’s probably going to be very productive in the long run. looking in the mirror still unable to face myself as everything i am, right? and it probably doesn’t matter. whether this lasts or not. and it probably doesn’t matter. because it sounds stupid, right? that i let my head become this much of a mess. that i went years without doing anything about it. that even now, it’s hard to think, because i can feel myself. slipping away. a little bit.
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