i am sick

faux smiles. cinnamon. and pretending the stars. and i hold my breath, and plug my nose, and my heart pounds as i start to shut down, because you know perfectly well that i can’t handle this right now. because i am sick. and because the painful memories turn to lightning strikes and power outages. and because where you see a window, i see a ledge. and a ledge means jumping, and jumping means falling, and falling means the end… and i am sick. because in this moment, my mind has never felt more broken. and i will read an entire 600-page book in one day, and my head will blur like the ocean, and i just want to forget for a moment. forget that i am sick. forget that i don’t get it. forget that i am a puzzle with half of the pieces thrown in the garbage, and maybe my whole life will just be spent trying to track those pieces down so finally, i will make sense. and maybe that’s all we ever do in the first place. because i am sick. and i am tired. and i don’t want to think about it.


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