there are five days left of summer break and i am paralyzed

and / i won’t let you touch me and / i won’t let you go / anywhere near me and / i will live for my art because at least when i write i don’t hate myself completely / and i will wither without you there to encourage me which probably says a lot about the state of my ability to take care of myself honestly / because i miss you / but i don’t want to / because i want to tell you it’s fine / because i wish it was fine / because i refuse to be a burden / but / i feel like a burden / and my head / please / take my head / take the thousand rough drafts curled up in my skull and /  i don’t know / how to let them go / how to be a bird / how to fly like i’m actually meant to be alive / i don’t know / and i don’t know if i’m doing this right / and i miss being myself / but i don’t know / who that is / right now because it’s changing so fast because / i’m spinning around / and around / and around / losing pieces of myself accidentally / and i just / i don’t know / where this is going / who i’m turning into / and what next year will even look like because / next year i will be without you and because / next year i will be with you and it’s been a long time since i’ve written like this is all / like i am so thirsty / and it’s been so long / since i’ve come home / and i just forgot / how amazing it felt / to feel for a moment like / i don’t know / like maybe there’s a chance you could be at peace with yourself / like you could speak up for yourself / like despite all the shit that’s happening / you’re powerful / and it’s ok that you’re a kid / with broken limbs because someday they’ll heal properly / and it’s just a feeling / and it’s probably just the fact that i’m not good at change but right now it just feels like my head is collapsing / and it’s all happening / way / too fast / and / i  / am / paralyzed / by the rush of time / and


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