a responsibility i am so, so not ready for

a vague weight on my shoulders. can’t breathe. clock ticking on my shoulders. still can’t breathe. 

moonlight through the curtains makes me want to scream. iamaliveiamaliveiamalive. or something. i think.

sipping coffee too late at night. trying to keep the hunger away from my already drooping eyes. 

this is not to say i’m helpless. this is to say that right now, life is hard. and maybe i’m not the cute little kid i used to be anymore. 

sometimes, i look in the mirror and i just want to explode for all the things that are depending on me. i guess that’s anxiety. 

sometimes, i stare up at the ceiling late at night and wonder why i’m even trying.

sometimes, i get home from school and i just want to disappear. so i can never make mistakes. so i can never hurt anybody. so maybe, maybe, i don’t have to worry.

and it shouldn’t feel like a sign of failure that i can never find the heart to punish myself that way. it shouldn’t feel like a sign of failure that i am not perfect today. it shouldn’t feel like a sign of failure that sometimes, i just need to cry. okay?

okay?

okay.

 

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