what if i do something wrong

bolts of panic and underslept eyes. and i don’t really feel motivated to do anything, but i don’t have a choice about this tonight.

and my heart won’t stop pounding, and my thoughts won’t stop racing, and maybe i should have taken my as-and-when-needed medication.

and i can’t breathe. i can’t even think clearly. it’s been a long time since the anxiety has gotten this bad, honestly.

and i just want to feel happy when i’m supposed to feel happy. and scared when i’m supposed to feel scared. and angry when i’m supposed to feel angry. i want to know when i’m supposed to feel angry. i don’t know when i’m supposed to feel angry. i don’t know what’s going to happen to me.

because what if i do something wrong? what if i mess up for the whole world to see, like this is your moment. this is your chance to etch your name into a small footnote of history. so let’s watch as you fall. let’s watch, as you make an idiot out of yourself in front of everybody.

because they’re just using you. i’m honestly surprised you haven’t figured it out already.


I don’t really think this poem was written for a specific thing in my life–just my fears surrounding being supported in general. 

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