november 29, 2019

it’s been a long time since i’ve been alone like this. since the monsters have shouted in my head with no competition, and i have closed my eyes, and just… let it all happen.

it’s been a long time since i’ve disintegrated like this. stared at a blinking cursor all morning, trying and failing to convince myself to do something. anything. even if it won’t be perfect. you made a to-do list for a reason, and wasting time isn’t on it.

and my hands are going numb. and the earth is starting to spin. and for all the times i’ve glorified my suffering i hate having to feel like this. 

and i should be getting back soon. should be going faster, because i have shit to get done. but… that would mean facing myself. and owning up to who i am. and admitting that i’ve got problems. that there’s a hole in my chest i need to do something about.

but if i acknowledge that there’s a problem… i don’t know if i’ll be able to live with myself.


Being alone is weird for me. It’s not a bad thing, exactly–just really strange. I wrote this while I was home alone at night, and just… had a lot of thoughts going through my head. Anyway, check out the spoken word version of this poem here, and I hope it meant something to you all. ❤

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