cold

trigger warning: suicidal thoughts mention. need to talk to anyone? crisis lines are here.

numb hands, and a heavy head. and i know it’s a mental illness, but it’s still in my control and i still should have fixed it.

i should have been better. should have been perfect. not frozen numb on the inside, hands in my pockets as i realize that loneliness does not discriminate based on circumstance. and that even when i’m surrounded by the people who love me most, i will still fall asleep, and my mind will still feel like stone.

and sometimes when i cry, i feel like i’m six years old. and my mom tells me to stop. my mom tells me it’s not your time to go and how can thoughts of suicide at such a young age have somehow felt so normal?

so for all of the times when the lonely felt like permafrost seeping through me. when i was defined by these aching concrete bones. i am not alone.

there is love out there. there is something like a small beam of hope, and i won’t say it’ll go away forever. but there’s more to life than feeling this cold.

and you know you brought yourself back to life from the brink of oblivion, right? you rubbed your hands together. you smashed sunlight into sparks and somehow lit a fire. you wrote yourself a home. 

and it’s gonna be ok. believe me. i’d know.


Check out the spoken word version here.

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2 thoughts on “cold

  1. Hello friend 🙂 I just want to say that you do not need to be fixed, you are already whole and perfect as you are because you are you. When a baby is born we look at it and we say it is perfect as it is and that is true, it is everything it needs to be… that never changes even as we grow up. We are born whole even though we come into this world with so little. Depression is an emotional vibrational state and only one of many, whether it is a medical condition or not is very controversial… don’t let it define you. If you must feel, let it fuel your creativity, find therapy in expressing yourself through these words that I and many others enjoy reading 🙌🏼💗

    Liked by 1 person

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