some fucked up kind of lullaby

hey. it’s ok. i’m not sleeping either. but can’t you remember? when they used to treat you like you could shatter? when your mom would make you lunch, or drive you to the bookstore, or sit outside your bedroom door and sing lullabies for hours.

you’re older now, of course. no one does that anymore. and i guess i’m really that easily manipulated, because i’ll do anything to feel that way. even just… for one moment more.

and i don’t… i don’t know who you are. but the sky is clear tonight. and as the moonlight streams through my window, it’s hard not to miss the stars.

and isn’t it so strange? how something that used to mean so much to you when you were little can seem so dumb and fucked up under the light of day? 

and don’t you remember? when you were six years old, and everything finally fucking shattered?

or the time you tried to run away, 2016, pouring rain. and your neighbour found you, and walked you home again. and don’t you remember? how embarrassed you felt. and how hard you cried, and how much you hated yourself…

it’s okay. you’re safe. it’s over now.


I really like this piece, I might turn it into a whole spoken word thing! I’ve been thinking I’ll probably start posting a lot more YouTube content soon. Um, I think I wrote it at, like….. probably midnight, after my light was off, on my phone, too wired to sleep. That’s how I imagine it anyway. I often get really emotional late at night, and for some reason it tends to bring back a lot of really… I don’t know, tender and pretty raw memories. When I was little, my mom really did do that. I couldn’t sleep, because of my anxiety, so she’d sing me lullabies at the doorway of my room until I nodded off.

I just… being a kid sucked–but I just miss those  little things. That somehow, for a moment, amidst an ocean of fucked-up-ness, made it okay.

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