and i don’t want to be here / ok / and i honestly can’t wait until high school is over / these days / because don’t fuck up. don’t fall, okay? don’t let them see you crying on the floor / like the weak thing you are / just hold yourself together / try to look for the sunny weather / even though you forgot to care what you looked like today / and you slept in / and you’re a fucking mess / and this whole thing is just one fucking mess / isn’t it? / and i am so tired / of trying to make everything look seamless / and beautiful / and perfect / tired of pretending this is true / because it isn’t. / and i feel like crying / and i look like shit / and i’m sweating nervously / and i feel like the world’s biggest idiot / and my cheeks are on fire / and i. am. so. exhausted.
I wrote this on the day I wrote my math final–which actually went super well, but I also had a massive panic attack before that happened, which lead to me not being able to breathe for a good half an hour and kind of feeling paralyzed. In retrospect, now that my school is closed and I can’t even see my friends, I miss it like hell, but at the same time… it was hard and stressful and scary. And I guess it helped to put it on paper, at least a little bit.