april 4th, 2020

i spend all morning reading pointless fanfiction.

because it’s easier to read about someone else being happy than to seek it out for yourself. because pretending it’s all good and cute and romantic is always good for my mental health.

because maybe if i just pretend hard enough, if i close my eyes and wish upon a star there’ll finally be someone there to kiss away the scars. someone to make being sick feel romantic, someone to cuddle me to sleep, because in real life? it’s not like that.

because up until i was 13 i thought healthy friendships were something that only existed in books. and if that’s not sad, i don’t know what is.

because i still can’t tell you i love you without cringing in my head. and every time, i still feel like i’m lying when i say it, even though it’s not a lie. i swear to god, it isn’t.

i spend all morning reading pointless fanfiction. because i’m tired. because constantly fearing for your life in completely benign situations makes you tired. and i just… i don’t want to fight any longer.


 

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