nauseous

tight shoulders, creaking bones. ants creeping slowly up my skin. and i don’t want to move. i don’t want to breathe. because in this moment, every aspect of my life disgusts me.

nails clawing into greasy skin. season finales, late nights, and… i don’t know what i am right now. i hope that’s all right.

and that’s the thing. i’m either all or nothing. and when i love something, i love something. and then… eventually, i get over it. and i move on. and that is terrifying.

fire alarm. fog on the glass window. and the city lights from far away. as i leave this place. as i drift slowly apart from my brain. as gravity starts to let go, and i just don’t see… why it matters anymore. is all.


I feel like this is a dissociation thing, but I don’t know, sometimes I just kind of… I don’t know, imagine how it feels to zone out at 2am times ten. Like, yanno, you’re working, doing your thing–and then suddenly you’re not seeing the world through your eyes anymore. Like you’re staring at yourself from far, far away. And all the little things about yourself, and your body disgust you–and suddenly you’re a you. Not an I. This disgusting person you just met at 2am in your bedroom for the first time, whose every cell you couldn’t be more disgusted by. It doesn’t last forever or anything, usually only a couple minutes. But it sucks. It really, really sucks. Is what I’m trying to get at here.

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