itch (spoken word)

trigger warning: compulsive/self-destructive behavior, blood mention.

As I discussed when I originally posted this poem, a little while ago, compulsive skin-picking has plagued me for a really long time–since I was seven years old, at least. It’s something I’ve been doing so long, I guess I’ve kind of learned to normalize it.

I wish I had some coping mechanisms to give you guys about this, because it’s a really hard thing to struggle with, and honestly there aren’t enough people talking about this stuff openly online. But to tell the truth, I don’t know what I’m doing any more than you do. I’ve hinted at it with my therapist a couple times, but I’m still terrified to bring it up any more deeply with her. (Ironically, I feel like therapists are in general probably some of the least judgmental people out there.) I’ve heard lots of stuff thrown around online, and tried some of them. But I guess nothing has ever really stuck with me, because deep down, it doesn’t feel like a problem I need to fix at all. It’s just something I do, and the only real drawback of it is, yanno, spending three hours on the bathroom convincing myself if I just make myself bleed a little harder it’ll heal over perfect, and glowing, and beautiful. (It never does.) And the weird trancelike place I enter, where I don’t even feel like myself. And the anxiety of constantly criticizing my appearance. And the deep-seated body image issues that make me feel that self-conscious are a huge part of why I pick at myself in the first place. But it still just sort of feels, no matter how much I try to reframe it, like a normal thing I’m just going to do no matter what, and that isn’t really harmful to me.

But mixing this piece was somehow just really therapeutic and helpful. And I think it was something I really needed to do. To just sit with this monster in my head, and try to understand it for a while.

Lots of love,

dragonwritesthings

Okay! Credits time! As always, thank you so much to all of these artists for putting their work out there under a Creative Commons license, your work is amazing. ❤

“Cold War Echo” is by Kai Engel. It is found here and used according to this license. It has been edited by me.

“vinyl” is by lusiaspinetv on freesound.org, and licensed according to this license. It has been edited by me.

“Alarm clock” is by joedeshon on freesound.org, and licensed according to this license. It has been edited by me.

And the rest is public domain, and I am going to ignore how anxious it makes me not to credit the 50,000 public domain sounds I downloaded even though it’s totally legal and okay.

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