some things i think when i see my body

trigger warning: blood, body image issues, self-harm

too fat. all boxy. weird hips. wrong thighs.

scabs across her cheeks, like some kind of battle wound. chapped lips; bad makeup. salty tear residue.

baby cheeks. ugly smile. bad wrists. and no matter how hard this little girl tries, there’s always going to be something wrong with it.

and when i look in a mirror, sometimes i can still feel it. that time last summer i scratched at my stomach until i drew blood, desperately searching for a way out of this prison. and it never fixed anything. did it?

but… i don’t know, this body has been through some pretty hard shit. and i’d rather look like this then go back to the way it used to be. constantly chasing after whatever pain they called beauty. because beauty means love, right? and love means happiness

love means freckles like stardust. and… i don’t know. i like my shoulders, i guess. 

love means eyes like nebulas; a smile that doesn’t have time for your bullshit. and it’s ok that you’re tired. you don’t have to be perfect. this ribcage is no longer a battleground. no one’s gonna hurt you. 

you can lay your weapons down.


I have a very strange relationship with body image, and often a very fraught one. I guess this poem was just a small way to talk to myself, and make sense of all these crazy thoughts spinning around in my head. I usually go between this, like, healthy-normal-person level of self-esteem… and then five minutes later, I feel like my body is a prison. I don’t know, I’m tired–I feel like anything I say about this beyond that is just going to come out like gibberish.

I guess I just want to say, to anyone reading this, I don’t know. Nothing I say can fix it, but just know that even if you don’t feel like it, beauty standards are bullshit, you’re pretty fucking awesome no matter what, and imperfection is what makes us human. I guess. I mean, it’s pretty hypocritical coming from me, but still. You deserve to feel good inside your own skin.

If you need to reach out for help, no matter what you’re struggling with, find resources in your area here. Please know that you are not as alone in this, and you deserve to feel better.

Lots of love,

dragonwritesthings

4 thoughts on “some things i think when i see my body

  1. My sister has BDD, I learned people with BDD draw non-existent paths with their eyes to their “problem areas” when the paths are not there in reality. It seems like such a hard thing to struggle with. I am so sorry. Do you have a post on how you best like to be communicated with about BDD? I tell my sister she is beautiful, which she is, but it upsets her to hear. Thank you for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t currently, although I’ll add that to my mental list of things I should try and write about sometime!
      In no way am I an expert, and obviously the way everyone experiences mental health issues differently, but personally for me the best support friends and family can give is just listening, and being there, and helping me fix myself, if that makes sense–rather than assuming they can fix me, which can be very frustrating. As well, I often have certain things that trigger me and get me into a really bad place with how I feel about my body, so if you haven’t already, having a conversation with her about those that might be a good idea. However, personally body-image related stuff can be really painful to talk about, so make sure she’s comfortable with that before approaching the topic.
      Although getting external validation is important, it also for most people just provides sort of momentary relief from their own feelings about their body and themselves, and often being told you’re beautiful when you yourself can’t believe that no matter how hard you try can be upsetting, especially if you’re having a bad day, at least in my experience.
      As well, if she isn’t already, getting professional help is incredibly valuable if it’s possible for you, and is definitely something to consider. Make sure she knows the numbers to local helplines if she needs to reach out.
      I hope this is helpful, although like I said, I’m not an expert and this is just stuff I thought up off the top of my head. Thank you so much for commenting, and for being there for your sister. 🙂

      Like

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