trigger warning: implied suicidal ideation
oh / and everything would just be so perfect / wouldn’t it? and i would toss my hair / and bike through town / and fall in love with someone who loves me back / or some dumb shit like that / because i just wish i could be normal sometimes / is what i’m getting at / not forever / just… for a moment / just to see what it’s like / to feel okay / because it must be nice / if anyone out there ever actually feels that way / and maybe i want to die again / but i’m a girl in a rom-com / so nothing too bad ever really happens / does it? / because there’s nothing love can’t heal in an instant / and what are you talking about? / just yesterday / my friends and i went to the cute little cafe downtown / and talked about our crushes / and these milkshakes / and laughed / and i never lie awake at night / thinking about how much i hate myself / because the plot doesn’t have time for that / so just keep moving / roll out of bed / dance around your room / and come on / that’s your cue / you can stop with the act now / little girl… i know you
To provide a little context for this, about a month ago I went through this HUGE phase, where I watched, like, an obscene amount of teen rom-coms. (Obscene for me anyway, since normally I like to stick to my territory of animated Netflix shows and stay there.) (Cough cough, She-Ra.) (Cough cough, The Dragon Prince.) (Cough cough, this is a bad joke and I need to stop.)
Anyhow, although it was really fun watching these movies and shows that are super cute and feel-good… well, they also have a pretty unrealistic standard (or, unrealistic to ME anyway) of being a teenager. And that really triggered this whole kind of mid-life crisis situation for me, except rather than being a burnt out 40-year-old dad, I am literally in high school. I started to question whether this image they present of teen life in books and movies was normal–because, like, sometimes it feels like that’s truly the life other, more normal kids get to lead. One where teen years are just spent going to parties, and having cute montages of our charming protagonist holding hands with her crush, while doing dumb, risky things. I’ve never even kissed anyone before. I’ve never wanted to.
The last time I liked someone I was ten, and honestly I don’t particularly want to feel that way about anyone right now. What does it say about me, that I don’t have those experiences that society has deemed to be such a normal part of being my age? Does it mean I’m broken, somehow? Am I going to look back on this part of my life and regret not seeking out those experiences, even though I don’t really want them right now?
I know this is silly–that most of us essentially just spend our whole lives chasing after unattainable standards set by social media, film, books and just our culture in general, and that the irony of loneliness is that in any given room half of the people there probably feel the exact same way you do. But… you know. Brains can really suck sometimes, I guess.
Anyhow, this is probably one of the most teenagery posts I have written in a very long time, but oh well, I guess this is my life, and hopefully you enjoy. 🙂
Lots of love (as always),