October: the Month In Photography

I took this the morning of September 29th–I know, not technically October.

But for the purpose of this post, let’s just call it that! I always fog up the bathroom after I shower, and have to open the window up afterwards, which is totally preventable, but I do it anyway, because I’m tired–and because I forget.

I love watching the steam pour out the window, and seeing the rays of sun pour in.

As the last of summer fades, I like to go on walks right as the sun sets.

(Partially because seven o’clock is a convenient time for me, but still.) It just feels… really peaceful, I don’t know.

Around October 5th, the leaves begun to drop.

I took this on the same walk as the picture above, for context, and I thought the spindly branches looked super creepy!

I have a very love-hate relationship with autumn weather.

I mean, I get to wear sweaters, which is always a plus, but also, if I want to go walking, I have to get my life together before 6:30; since by October 11th, that’s when the sun was starting to go down. Which, even though I get up at eight, is really when my brain is starting to wake up? So for me, autumn means a lot of late-night walks with my mom. It’s freezing cold, and usually kind of rainy, but you get to see the city lights, and take vaguely spooky pictures, so it’s worth it.

I’ve been having trouble with school of late.

Not in the academic sense. I’m on top of all my courses; but I’m only doing it by the force of sheer terror. I don’t know why I care, I don’t know what the point of any of this is, and honestly… of late, I’ve just been feeling really depressed. I might not feel anxious to the degree I did before, but this kind of lonely hopelessness… well, it’s a different kind of torture. And sometimes, I just come home and cry, because it all feels… pointless. And performative. And fake. And, yeah, that’s been hard–because depression is scary, and because I don’t have the time to feel this way. I have a job, I have writing, I have so many tasks constantly up in the air, and no matter how hard I work, it never feels… good enough. As I write this, it’s only October 16th, but it feels like it’s been years since school started.

It’s been a really weird week.

I’ve been okay. I guess. At least, I’m more functional, and I finished another one of my courses–so, uh, one less course until I graduate? God, I don’t know.

I saw a friend, who for reasons, hasn’t been able to see me since August. It was really good. Sometimes, you just kinda miss someone for so long that you just get used to it. And you forget, how good it feels to just see someone in person. I don’t know when I’ll get to see her again–probably not until Christmas. But it was something; a tiny vestige of how things used to be.

I’ve been staying up, later and later. Watching TV for way too long, and putting off doing any meaningful work, which hasn’t been great. But I don’t really know what to do about it. So I’m just… trudging along, I gess, through this weird fog in my head.

Oh, yeah! I’m not trick or treating or anything, because COVID; but I am hanging out with a singular friend! We might string up a pinata in the backyard, and have a nicer-than-usual dinner or something. I’m excited! I’m gonna dress up as Rosie the Riveter for Halloween, by the way. So, uh, that’s neat I guess. (Also, inexpensive. Did I mention inexpensive?)

I’ve been going back to my roots, of late.

Thinking about the person I used to be, two years ago. If you’re older than almost-15 and reading this, you’re probably going to laugh… but I feel so old, these days. I can’t believe time has passed so quickly. I feels so old. Wasn’t it just yesterday, I was scared of the tall, invincible teen girl with earbuds in as she crossed the street. And now, I am that girl. But I’m not anywhere near invincible. (And I think I’m only around 5’7.) I’ve been writing lots of journal entries, and taking tons of photos, and going on long walks through the woods.

I feel like I’m entering a new phase of my life, right now. And as it stands, I”m not quite sure what that means. Both personally, and writing-wise.

But I’ll figure it out. There’s no rush. I have to remind myself of that, a lot.

It’s okay, to take things slowly.

I’m not running out of time.

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