It’s only been a week since the start of this month, but it feels like it can’t have been been maybe a day.
I’m in a really weird place right now, honestly. But that’s probably just because I forgot to take my meds–which I’m probably gonna change, because they have zero effect on me other than making me feel worse when I don’t take them, because of withdrawal. I’ll call the doctor on Monday.
So, I have a tripod now! And I will take as many obnoxiously dramatic ocean pictures with it as I want to. (This wasn’t shot in a remote area or something, by the way, people were watching and probably thought I was super weird, but I did it anyway so ha! Take that, social anxiety!)
Anyway. It’s been getting dark so early here of late, there aren’t that many hours of light anymore. My school goes on winter break soon, too. I’m trying not to freak out; winter and spring break are always really bad for my mental health. I thrive on routine, and just being cooped up in the house with nothing to do for two weeks is kind of my personal nightmare.
I’m trying to get back on my feet, and into some kind of routine. My sleep schedule is a mess, and I’ve been just all over the place of late. But hopefully, that’ll change soon.
This morning, I went to the post office, and mailed off my Christmas gift to my friend.
It was disgustingly wet–pelting rain, and the kind of wind that whistles in your ears when you try to walk through it. But I don’t mind. I love going to the beach, when it’s like this; I always have. When no one else is there, and the whole sea feels like yours for the taking. I like to run right to shoreline, and race up to safety when a wave crashes, and sing at the top of my lungs, or just scream at the sky.
I always come home freezing cold, and soaking wet. But it’s totally worth it.
So, it snowed yesterday! I’ve been waiting, like, two months to post a casual snow picture in one of these posts, as though this is a casual occurrence for me. (Even through in reality, where I live we get maybe two or three days of snow a year.)
I woke up to four new auditions for my audio drama–and snow falling outside my bedroom window. Honestly, it was the first time in ages that… I don’t know, the world pleasantly surprised me. Which was nice.
I got some pretty cool early Christmas presents, too! Even if it started raining after maybe two hours of snow, and everything got all gross and slushy, it was a good day.
So, today was Christmas. I’ve never been a huge Christmas person–honestly, it’s usually pretty lonely and depressing, and shopping for gifts is always stressful, and there’s so much social pressure surrounding it, to have this perfect day or whatever, and the fact that the year is ending soon really isn’t helping things. I’m trying to write a poem, but it just keeps coming out wrong.
I’m super tired, and stressed out, and I feel like something is gonna go wrong–because nothing bad has happened in my life for a few days now, and that’s weird, and terrifying, because something bad is gonna happen soon–I can feel it.
I’m gonna try and put myself to bed early. Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow.
Ugh, I’m so tired. Technically I did get eight hours of sleep, but for some reason I feel like collapsing on the floor and never getting back up again.
I have a lot of stuff to do though–and I can’t afford to spend another day binging Parks and Rec all afternoon. The new year is only a few days away, and I guess it’s just depressing–looking back at last year, remembering the excitement and hope in the air, and realizing… it’s just not there anymore?
I have really bad writer’s block, too. And I’m trying to edit a podcast episode, which is a headache, and yeah, altogether, this is just not a good day.
I’m getting so fed up of winter break. I can’t wait to have to go places again, and catch the bus, and use the automatic hand sanitizer dispenser thingies we have at school, like, a million times. Even though I’ll still be sad, but at least I’ll have some semblance of routine to distract me.
Okay, so technically I’m writing this on January 1st–because last night I was really tired, and not in the best mood, which didn’t seem like a good note to end this post on. (I try to be reasonably uplifting.) Anyway, let’s ignore that, shall we? Wonderful.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this year–and trying to work out what the hell I want it to look like for me, even though in reality I don’t feel like I have much of a choice in that matter.
Last year, I remember for New Years, because we were all making a super big deal out of the new year back then, my friends and I had a sleepover. We stayed up until midnight, and played Monopoly, and ate these really good nachos, and went outside to look at the stars. We made up our own constellations, but I can’t remember what they were now. It felt like something out of a movie.
I’d just spoken at WE Day a month earlier, and I felt like finally, I could see a future for myself I actually wanted. I had this whole vision plotted out in my head. All these amazing people I was gonna meet, things I was gonna do…
And then COVID happened, and life slammed into me like a soccer ball to the gut, and none of that stuff happened. And instead… I ended up making a podcast, Sonnets of a Teenage Wannabe, getting a job over the summer, planning out my finances, writing an audio drama and starting to work with actual voice actors, and getting ready to graduate next year. I hope this doesn’t come across like I’m bragging, or anything like that–it just helps to remind myself this wasn’t a year wasted.
I tend to plan things really far ahead–I have the next decade of my life worked out already. Where I want to live, how I’m gonna decorate my apartment, how much I can afford to pay for rent, how much I need to put aside to save for retirement a year… you get the idea.
I like certainty and routine, and when things don’t go according to plan, I beat myself up over it, even if the change is good. I’m constantly evaluating myself based on some outdated rubric, and sometimes I forget to look up, and see things for what they are.
This year wasn’t what I thought it would be. It was awful, and traumatizing for pretty much everyone, I think, and overall a giant letdown.
I don’t think I believe in destiny or fate or anything like that. But I do believe that something good has to come from this, even if it’s hard to imagine that right now. And that I’m on the right path, no matter how dark and lonely it feel in this moment.
Partially just for the sake of my own sanity–but you know.
Lots of love,