let’s call it a brave face

i know i can’t keep this up forever. and i think you know it, too. don’t you? because beneath this golden armour,  i’m a fucking mess. and maybe i broke something, or maybe you did, but i don’t think it matters anymore. because no amount of blame is gonna put me back together again.

i know i can’t keep this up forever, but i just want to say it was… it was good while it lasted.

and more than anything, i think i just need to be needed. okay? so you don’t need to pay me back.  because this is it. this is all i ever wanted, all i ever was. my single goal in life was to feel rooted into the ground. and i honestly don’t care right now.

so i’ll be sobbing at your feet, begging you to hold me down.

This isn’t written about anyone in particular, just some general issues I have in realtionships a lot.

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and i am so confused

is it possible for a brain to cannibalize itself / blood sweat tears i gave you everything i had left / so here i am / in an empty hallway / waving softly, and watching as you go / and do you ever just want to give up / i don’t know / want to watch as you crash / and burn / and crash / and burn / and your bones start to melt / and your hair turns gold / and i guess nothing matters anymore / so i will give you / my heart and my soul and i will put it on a silver platter just for you / and i will watch as you let go / and i hate you more than anything so / please just leave here / in the cold / because it’s a little lonely / but i don’t want you to love me / and i think right now… i just need to be alone 

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dial tone (spoken word)

“Phone Dial Tone A2” from fesliyanstudios.com
Used under this license:
“Shutting Out The World” from TechoAXE.com (http://teknoaxe.com/Link_Code_4.php?q=857&Genre=Piano)
Used under this license: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Both of these sounds have been edited by me.

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Read the text of this poem here: https://goldfishandthemicrophone.com/2020/01/17/dial-tone/

i think the world is ending

naive goals, and follow your dreams. a hole punched in my stomach, and what do you mean?

high hopes, and stupid ideas for a life i’ll never lead. and if this planet is on fire, what does that say about me?

’cause honey. you can lie to yourself all you want, but you can’t lie to me. and someday, you’re gonna be alone in this. your parents will kick you out of the house, your friends will dump you on the ground, and then i bet you’ll have loads of fun talking about how great it is to “recover” from this.

honestly. you’re being so fucking selfish. and young lady, i really mean it. your mind is a ticking time bomb, just waiting to implode. you’re not allowed to have dreams; it doesn’t matter where you’ll go.

didn’t your mom and dad tell you this, very long ago? you can’t conjure food and water out of nothing, you know. 

Oh god, have I been worrying about the future of late. I’m super tired right now so I don’t want to get into this topic in too much detail but basically: I have anxiety. And being a writer kind of has a bad reputation for not exactly being good at making money.

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december 13th, 2019

sinking / falling / drowning / feathers ruffling my lungs and i can’t take this anymore / paranoid thoughts / and it’s all one massive safety behaviour / and someone’s going to hurt me / i know they’re going to hurt me / i can feel it in my bones / shaking through me / sinking heart of stone / no one will ever notice me / head spinning / and i hate this so much ok / i’m sorry. / because i know i’m selfish / and entitled / and stupid / but i think someone is watching me / think they’re coming for me / with knife-sharp words / and darkness out of a nightmare / and look at the screen light / look at all these monsters / right before my eyes / just get it out / get it out / get the fuck out of my mind / because i just want to pass the time, all right? / living, but not really alive / so please dear god just let me bury the last seeds of memory deep / down / inside. 

Trying out a bit of a new style, this piece was definitely very experimental.

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