December: Month in Photography

DECEMBER 6TH

It’s only been a week since the start of this month, but it feels like it can’t have been been maybe a day.

I’m in a really weird place right now, honestly. But that’s probably just because I forgot to take my meds–which I’m probably gonna change, because they have zero effect on me other than making me feel worse when I don’t take them, because of withdrawal. I’ll call the doctor on Monday.

DECEMBER 12TH

So, I have a tripod now! And I will take as many obnoxiously dramatic ocean pictures with it as I want to. (This wasn’t shot in a remote area or something, by the way, people were watching and probably thought I was super weird, but I did it anyway so ha! Take that, social anxiety!)

Anyway. It’s been getting dark so early here of late, there aren’t that many hours of light anymore. My school goes on winter break soon, too. I’m trying not to freak out; winter and spring break are always really bad for my mental health. I thrive on routine, and just being cooped up in the house with nothing to do for two weeks is kind of my personal nightmare.

I’m trying to get back on my feet, and into some kind of routine. My sleep schedule is a mess, and I’ve been just all over the place of late. But hopefully, that’ll change soon.

DECEMBER 19TH

This morning, I went to the post office, and mailed off my Christmas gift to my friend.

It was disgustingly wet–pelting rain, and the kind of wind that whistles in your ears when you try to walk through it. But I don’t mind. I love going to the beach, when it’s like this; I always have. When no one else is there, and the whole sea feels like yours for the taking. I like to run right to shoreline, and race up to safety when a wave crashes, and sing at the top of my lungs, or just scream at the sky.

I always come home freezing cold, and soaking wet. But it’s totally worth it.

DECEMBER 21ST

So, it snowed yesterday! I’ve been waiting, like, two months to post a casual snow picture in one of these posts, as though this is a casual occurrence for me. (Even through in reality, where I live we get maybe two or three days of snow a year.)

I woke up to four new auditions for my audio drama–and snow falling outside my bedroom window. Honestly, it was the first time in ages that… I don’t know, the world pleasantly surprised me. Which was nice.

I got some pretty cool early Christmas presents, too! Even if it started raining after maybe two hours of snow, and everything got all gross and slushy, it was a good day.

DECEMBER 25TH

So, today was Christmas. I’ve never been a huge Christmas person–honestly, it’s usually pretty lonely and depressing, and shopping for gifts is always stressful, and there’s so much social pressure surrounding it, to have this perfect day or whatever, and the fact that the year is ending soon really isn’t helping things. I’m trying to write a poem, but it just keeps coming out wrong.

I’m super tired, and stressed out, and I feel like something is gonna go wrong–because nothing bad has happened in my life for a few days now, and that’s weird, and terrifying, because something bad is gonna happen soon–I can feel it.

I’m gonna try and put myself to bed early. Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow.

DECEMBER 27TH

Ugh, I’m so tired. Technically I did get eight hours of sleep, but for some reason I feel like collapsing on the floor and never getting back up again.

I have a lot of stuff to do though–and I can’t afford to spend another day binging Parks and Rec all afternoon. The new year is only a few days away, and I guess it’s just depressing–looking back at last year, remembering the excitement and hope in the air, and realizing… it’s just not there anymore?

I have really bad writer’s block, too. And I’m trying to edit a podcast episode, which is a headache, and yeah, altogether, this is just not a good day.

I’m getting so fed up of winter break. I can’t wait to have to go places again, and catch the bus, and use the automatic hand sanitizer dispenser thingies we have at school, like, a million times. Even though I’ll still be sad, but at least I’ll have some semblance of routine to distract me.

DECEMBER 31ST

Okay, so technically I’m writing this on January 1st–because last night I was really tired, and not in the best mood, which didn’t seem like a good note to end this post on. (I try to be reasonably uplifting.) Anyway, let’s ignore that, shall we? Wonderful.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this year–and trying to work out what the hell I want it to look like for me, even though in reality I don’t feel like I have much of a choice in that matter.

Last year, I remember for New Years, because we were all making a super big deal out of the new year back then, my friends and I had a sleepover. We stayed up until midnight, and played Monopoly, and ate these really good nachos, and went outside to look at the stars. We made up our own constellations, but I can’t remember what they were now. It felt like something out of a movie.

I’d just spoken at WE Day a month earlier, and I felt like finally, I could see a future for myself I actually wanted. I had this whole vision plotted out in my head. All these amazing people I was gonna meet, things I was gonna do…

And then COVID happened, and life slammed into me like a soccer ball to the gut, and none of that stuff happened. And instead… I ended up making a podcast, Sonnets of a Teenage Wannabe, getting a job over the summer, planning out my finances, writing an audio drama and starting to work with actual voice actors, and getting ready to graduate next year. I hope this doesn’t come across like I’m bragging, or anything like that–it just helps to remind myself this wasn’t a year wasted.

I tend to plan things really far ahead–I have the next decade of my life worked out already. Where I want to live, how I’m gonna decorate my apartment, how much I can afford to pay for rent, how much I need to put aside to save for retirement a year… you get the idea.

I like certainty and routine, and when things don’t go according to plan, I beat myself up over it, even if the change is good. I’m constantly evaluating myself based on some outdated rubric, and sometimes I forget to look up, and see things for what they are.

This year wasn’t what I thought it would be. It was awful, and traumatizing for pretty much everyone, I think, and overall a giant letdown.

I don’t think I believe in destiny or fate or anything like that. But I do believe that something good has to come from this, even if it’s hard to imagine that right now. And that I’m on the right path, no matter how dark and lonely it feel in this moment.

Partially just for the sake of my own sanity–but you know.

Lots of love,

Lorna

November: the Month in Photography

NOVEMBER 1ST

I’m definitely feeling pretty on edge, of late. Yesterday morning, my mom read an article about voter turnout in the US election, and I just started crying. It was strange, and confusing, and it kinda hurt. I’m not normally the kind of person who starts crying out of nowhere.

It’s a special kind of helpless. I’ve seen Canadians joke that we all watch the US election like a sports game–and yeah, last time ’round, when I was too young to really understand any of this, that’s sort of how it felt. But this time… this time feels different.

NOVEMBER 7TH

The results for the election just came in–after a very long wait. It’s a relief just to get the whole thing over with.

The past few days have not been good. It’s not just the election–honestly, I’ve been weirdly numb to it. I just don’t have the energy left right now to let my emotions get wrapped up in things I can’t control. I have to be logical, and detached, because… because that’s kind of just the excuse I give myself when I spend three months feeling sad, and angry, and stuffing it all into a little box until eventually I explode.

Yesterday was an explosion kind of day. I got home from a shitty day at school, picked up a bag of pasta out from the drawer we keep pasta in, dropped it back in the drawer, closed the drawer, opened the drawer, picked up the pasta, and started crying on the floor.

But today, I woke up, at 8:40 in the morning, to the wind blowing like crazy outside. I crawled out of bed, and I checked my phone, wiping the sleep from my eyes, and saw that Trump wasn’t president. And I smiled, a little, and texted my friend. I made breakfast, and went to work. It’s not much–but it’s a start.

NOVEMBER 8TH


It’s been a long few weeks. (Actually, it’s barely been one since the month started, but it feels like it’s been 500 years.)

Sometimes, I just get really lonely, you know? I don’t have many people to talk to right now. I feel cold, and sad, and distant, and defeated, and like maybe the story is over. And all that’s left to do is just sort of wander around aimlessly, through this weird mental fog for the rest of eternity.

I haven’t let myself feel hopeful in so long.

This is gonna sound really cheesy–and I can’t believe I’m writing this in a public setting, but… I guess I just have to believe that this isn’t over. Because I’m not going to let everything happening in the world, and in my life, and in my own fucking mind take me down this easily.

Because I have my mother’s strength, and my father’s persistence. Because I am made from endless droughts and thunderstorms I thought might be the last of me. This feeling won’t last forever.

I know those things are true. Even when everything else seems unreal.

NOVEMBER 21ST

Winter is beginning to properly set in, now. I don’t entirely mind; even if it is very dark all the time, and means my sneakers always get muddy and soaking wet on the walk home from school.

I talked to someone yesterday, actually. It’s probably the first time I’ve reached out for help to anyone outside my immediate social circle in, like, eight months or so. And god, it was so nice. I feel like a thousand pounds have been lifted off my chest, like the smoke has finally cleared and I can actually breathe again.

But god–also, I’m just terrified. Restrictions are starting to get more strict in my area. It feels… like it did, last time. I don’t want to relive that experience again–but there’s not much I can do about it.

NOVEMBER 24TH

Last night, I found out that someone at my school got COVID. I haven’t directly been in contact with them, and obviously everyone was still wearing masks and social distancing–but it’s still scary.

When I found out, I just kinda went numb. You know what it felt like, when you fell off the monkey bars as a kid–that tingling, breathless, paralyzed feeling as you struggled to breathe? Yeah. It was like that.

I started crying and then I stopped crying and then I watched TV for three hours and then I started crying again. Technically I’m not supposed to do anything–go to school as per normal and just keep monitoring for symptoms. But I’ll probably be at home for the next little while.

NOVEMBER 30TH 2020

I don’t know how to end this post.

I”m really tired. I sorta want to collapse into the ground, and just cry until there’s nothing left. Or chug five cups of coffee. Or sleep for the rest of the year.

I want to tell you it’s gonna be all right. I want to give you a hug, or your favourite snack, or a day off work, or whatever you need right now. I want to fix your problems with a snap of my fingers—but I’m not a fairy godmother, or even someone who knows how to do those things for herself yet. Just a fifteen year old girl, who takes pictures on her phone and cries a lot.

I want to say this month has been wonderful, talk about the good. And there have been cool things I’ve done over the last little while. But also… it’s been hard. And I don’t have the answers. I can’t fix you–no matter how hard I try to.

I hope the next month treats us both well, though.

Take care of yourself. Be safe. I’ll see you all in thirty days.

Lots of love,

Lorna

October: the Month In Photography

I took this the morning of September 29th–I know, not technically October.

But for the purpose of this post, let’s just call it that! I always fog up the bathroom after I shower, and have to open the window up afterwards, which is totally preventable, but I do it anyway, because I’m tired–and because I forget.

I love watching the steam pour out the window, and seeing the rays of sun pour in.

As the last of summer fades, I like to go on walks right as the sun sets.

(Partially because seven o’clock is a convenient time for me, but still.) It just feels… really peaceful, I don’t know.

Around October 5th, the leaves begun to drop.

I took this on the same walk as the picture above, for context, and I thought the spindly branches looked super creepy!

I have a very love-hate relationship with autumn weather.

I mean, I get to wear sweaters, which is always a plus, but also, if I want to go walking, I have to get my life together before 6:30; since by October 11th, that’s when the sun was starting to go down. Which, even though I get up at eight, is really when my brain is starting to wake up? So for me, autumn means a lot of late-night walks with my mom. It’s freezing cold, and usually kind of rainy, but you get to see the city lights, and take vaguely spooky pictures, so it’s worth it.

I’ve been having trouble with school of late.

Not in the academic sense. I’m on top of all my courses; but I’m only doing it by the force of sheer terror. I don’t know why I care, I don’t know what the point of any of this is, and honestly… of late, I’ve just been feeling really depressed. I might not feel anxious to the degree I did before, but this kind of lonely hopelessness… well, it’s a different kind of torture. And sometimes, I just come home and cry, because it all feels… pointless. And performative. And fake. And, yeah, that’s been hard–because depression is scary, and because I don’t have the time to feel this way. I have a job, I have writing, I have so many tasks constantly up in the air, and no matter how hard I work, it never feels… good enough. As I write this, it’s only October 16th, but it feels like it’s been years since school started.

It’s been a really weird week.

I’ve been okay. I guess. At least, I’m more functional, and I finished another one of my courses–so, uh, one less course until I graduate? God, I don’t know.

I saw a friend, who for reasons, hasn’t been able to see me since August. It was really good. Sometimes, you just kinda miss someone for so long that you just get used to it. And you forget, how good it feels to just see someone in person. I don’t know when I’ll get to see her again–probably not until Christmas. But it was something; a tiny vestige of how things used to be.

I’ve been staying up, later and later. Watching TV for way too long, and putting off doing any meaningful work, which hasn’t been great. But I don’t really know what to do about it. So I’m just… trudging along, I gess, through this weird fog in my head.

Oh, yeah! I’m not trick or treating or anything, because COVID; but I am hanging out with a singular friend! We might string up a pinata in the backyard, and have a nicer-than-usual dinner or something. I’m excited! I’m gonna dress up as Rosie the Riveter for Halloween, by the way. So, uh, that’s neat I guess. (Also, inexpensive. Did I mention inexpensive?)

I’ve been going back to my roots, of late.

Thinking about the person I used to be, two years ago. If you’re older than almost-15 and reading this, you’re probably going to laugh… but I feel so old, these days. I can’t believe time has passed so quickly. I feels so old. Wasn’t it just yesterday, I was scared of the tall, invincible teen girl with earbuds in as she crossed the street. And now, I am that girl. But I’m not anywhere near invincible. (And I think I’m only around 5’7.) I’ve been writing lots of journal entries, and taking tons of photos, and going on long walks through the woods.

I feel like I’m entering a new phase of my life, right now. And as it stands, I”m not quite sure what that means. Both personally, and writing-wise.

But I’ll figure it out. There’s no rush. I have to remind myself of that, a lot.

It’s okay, to take things slowly.

I’m not running out of time.

september: month in photography

Hey guys! Welcome to the first installment of a series I hope can continue for quite a long time. Month in Photography will be a series of photos I took, throughout the course of the month–think of it like a little scrapbook, but on the internet.

I want to be able to highlight the good memories, and look back on the positives–as well as the negatives. I want to build some kind of memorial to what actually happened, to look back on when I need it.

I have a tendency to forget about those good things–to let my depression trick me into losing sight of who I am. But… I want to keep those memories, hold them close. Because they matter.

September has been… I mean, it’s been a month? God, I don’t know. In all honesty, it’s hard to believe it’s over.

I went back to school. And as I record this–I mean, I’ve gotten anxious, of course I have, but I haven’t had to hide in the bathroom hyperventilating, or anything like that. Whenever I feel the sickening fear creeping up on me, I’ve always been able to bring myself back down to earth. And I’m really proud of that.

It feels really good. To just see people again. I don’t care, if they have their masks on, or if they’re six feet away–all I need to know, is that there’s someone out there. That I’m not just a bunch of pixels, floating around the internet. Or whatever.

I am scared. I am scared, of where the world is going. I’m scared I’m not doing enough. And in many ways, this has been a month tinged with absolute terror–that I’m going to get used to this new normal, only for it to be ripped away again. I don’t know what to do with that. How to just sit with it in my mind.

But I got through this month. And it wasn’t as bad as I thought. And that’s something, right?

08/37/2020

I live near the beach, and love to go on long walks and take photos. This one was taken right at the beginning of September, when I went on one of this walks with my earbuds in, listening to a podcast. I lost track of time, and ended up staying out past dark, but it was worth it. I felt at peace, that night.

09/07/2020

My friend and I went exploring around my neighbourhood the other day, and despite living here my whole life, I never realized how much of my little world I’ve never seen before. We found this little secret trail I never noticed, and followed it together, not knowing where it would take us, and walked along the beach, talking about light teenager topics, like taxing the rich. It was a good memory, I don’t know. That day felt so deeply magical.

09/14/2020

The week I took this was rough, not gonna lie. As I write this, I am in the process of going off Zoloft–a medication. (With the advise of my doctor, don’t worry.) It’s just not been effective the past year, and so I made the decision to change to a new medication. I’ve done this before, though, but I’ve never experienced withdrawal before. And it is difficult. Just being off any medication at all is awful. It has been hard, and scary, and… I’ve been feeling really lost. Yesterday, I went on a walk, and I took this photo.

09/14/2020

The same fence from before, on a different day, from a different angle.

09/14/2020

The smoke has finally begun to clear up, as rain has just been coming down torrentially, over the past few days. The day I took this photo was the first time I had seen the sky in ages.

09/28/2020

There’s a little trail near my house that I love to go walking on after school. I’ve walked there my whole life, and it’s become really close to my heart, I suppose. The leaves are starting to turn yellow, and fall. I went on a walk this evening, after dinner, and listened to my favourite podcast, and thought about life. And I took this picture.

09/28/2020

This was taken a few minutes later, on the same walk the last photo was taken. I just felt really at peace, I don’t know. Sometimes, you just need to not think, about anything at all.

To be totally honest, I am scared of what October is going to bring. And I know I can’t be the only one who feels this way. The world is a really terrifying place to live in right now. I can’t deny that, I can’t make it suddenly better. But I do know that amid all of this, there are good things. Small, beautiful moments. Dandelions blooming between the slabs of concrete, against all odds.

Or something. I’m really tired. Honestly, I don’t know.

Hang in there, is what I’m trying to get at. Please take care. We’ll catch up next month!

Lots of love,

dragonwritesthings