November: the Month in Photography

NOVEMBER 1ST

I’m definitely feeling pretty on edge, of late. Yesterday morning, my mom read an article about voter turnout in the US election, and I just started crying. It was strange, and confusing, and it kinda hurt. I’m not normally the kind of person who starts crying out of nowhere.

It’s a special kind of helpless. I’ve seen Canadians joke that we all watch the US election like a sports game–and yeah, last time ’round, when I was too young to really understand any of this, that’s sort of how it felt. But this time… this time feels different.

NOVEMBER 7TH

The results for the election just came in–after a very long wait. It’s a relief just to get the whole thing over with.

The past few days have not been good. It’s not just the election–honestly, I’ve been weirdly numb to it. I just don’t have the energy left right now to let my emotions get wrapped up in things I can’t control. I have to be logical, and detached, because… because that’s kind of just the excuse I give myself when I spend three months feeling sad, and angry, and stuffing it all into a little box until eventually I explode.

Yesterday was an explosion kind of day. I got home from a shitty day at school, picked up a bag of pasta out from the drawer we keep pasta in, dropped it back in the drawer, closed the drawer, opened the drawer, picked up the pasta, and started crying on the floor.

But today, I woke up, at 8:40 in the morning, to the wind blowing like crazy outside. I crawled out of bed, and I checked my phone, wiping the sleep from my eyes, and saw that Trump wasn’t president. And I smiled, a little, and texted my friend. I made breakfast, and went to work. It’s not much–but it’s a start.

NOVEMBER 8TH


It’s been a long few weeks. (Actually, it’s barely been one since the month started, but it feels like it’s been 500 years.)

Sometimes, I just get really lonely, you know? I don’t have many people to talk to right now. I feel cold, and sad, and distant, and defeated, and like maybe the story is over. And all that’s left to do is just sort of wander around aimlessly, through this weird mental fog for the rest of eternity.

I haven’t let myself feel hopeful in so long.

This is gonna sound really cheesy–and I can’t believe I’m writing this in a public setting, but… I guess I just have to believe that this isn’t over. Because I’m not going to let everything happening in the world, and in my life, and in my own fucking mind take me down this easily.

Because I have my mother’s strength, and my father’s persistence. Because I am made from endless droughts and thunderstorms I thought might be the last of me. This feeling won’t last forever.

I know those things are true. Even when everything else seems unreal.

NOVEMBER 21ST

Winter is beginning to properly set in, now. I don’t entirely mind; even if it is very dark all the time, and means my sneakers always get muddy and soaking wet on the walk home from school.

I talked to someone yesterday, actually. It’s probably the first time I’ve reached out for help to anyone outside my immediate social circle in, like, eight months or so. And god, it was so nice. I feel like a thousand pounds have been lifted off my chest, like the smoke has finally cleared and I can actually breathe again.

But god–also, I’m just terrified. Restrictions are starting to get more strict in my area. It feels… like it did, last time. I don’t want to relive that experience again–but there’s not much I can do about it.

NOVEMBER 24TH

Last night, I found out that someone at my school got COVID. I haven’t directly been in contact with them, and obviously everyone was still wearing masks and social distancing–but it’s still scary.

When I found out, I just kinda went numb. You know what it felt like, when you fell off the monkey bars as a kid–that tingling, breathless, paralyzed feeling as you struggled to breathe? Yeah. It was like that.

I started crying and then I stopped crying and then I watched TV for three hours and then I started crying again. Technically I’m not supposed to do anything–go to school as per normal and just keep monitoring for symptoms. But I’ll probably be at home for the next little while.

NOVEMBER 30TH 2020

I don’t know how to end this post.

I”m really tired. I sorta want to collapse into the ground, and just cry until there’s nothing left. Or chug five cups of coffee. Or sleep for the rest of the year.

I want to tell you it’s gonna be all right. I want to give you a hug, or your favourite snack, or a day off work, or whatever you need right now. I want to fix your problems with a snap of my fingers—but I’m not a fairy godmother, or even someone who knows how to do those things for herself yet. Just a fifteen year old girl, who takes pictures on her phone and cries a lot.

I want to say this month has been wonderful, talk about the good. And there have been cool things I’ve done over the last little while. But also… it’s been hard. And I don’t have the answers. I can’t fix you–no matter how hard I try to.

I hope the next month treats us both well, though.

Take care of yourself. Be safe. I’ll see you all in thirty days.

Lots of love,

Lorna

Shoutout Saturday (Things I’m super excited for!)

Hey guys! So, to be totally honest, I have been having an interesting few days to say the least. I’m currently in some kind of quarantine for at least the next little while. There was a COVID exposure at my school, and so even though technically we don’t have to quarantine, I’m not feeling too comfy about going out right now (both for my sake and the sake of others). Anyway, I could spend a lot of time talking about this whole mess of a situation, but honestly, don’t particularly want to think about it right now.

The TLDR is that 2020 is trash, but in an effort to find some sort of silver lining amid this less-than ideal situation, here are some things I’m looking forward to as the year draws to a close!

Hilda season two

So, as everyone probably knows, I am absolute trash for cute cartoons. I always sort of got mad at myself as a kid for liking things directed at children, and as a result never really let myself just watch fun shows without there being a guilt factor, and I stopped watching anything animated at around five. I really regret that, and I wish I had gotten to just watch fun things growing up rather than only important documentaries about tax fraud or climate change. So anyway, I’m trying to make up for that now. Hilda is this super-cute show on Netflix about this girl who’s spent her whole life living in a cabin with her mom moving to the city. She goes on all sorts of adventures, and makes friends with all these magical creatures, and it’s really sweet and wholesome–and season two is coming out on December 14th.

Turning 15

So, for obvious reason I’m not gonna say when my birthday is, but at some point in the next two-three months, I will be a full-fledged teenager, I guess? I’m probably just going to see a singular friend, two if I’m lucky, and we’ll make a cake together from scratch or something like that, go walking, and then watch some TV like we did last year, but it’ll still be a cool milestone to mark. When I was younger, I honestly couldn’t fathom being alive this long, so I feel weirdly proud to have done it. (And yes, I know, if you’re older than me you’re probably laughing right now.)

I’m really excited though, because as it stands I’m planning on actually getting myself some really cool things for my birthday. It costs a bit of money to change my blog URL (just twenty bucks, but that’s a lot of money to me right now), and so I’m planning on doing that some point soon, to lornawritesthings.com. Also, I’m finally getting a tripod to take better pictures, which is also only twenty bucks, but again, that’s a pretty big purchase for me.

Getting ahead on schoolwork

So, I do all my schoolwork via a computer–but under normal circumstances, go into a school to work on it in a computer lab there, where I can see my teachers in person and ask for help when I need it. (Also, I genuinely really like talking with my teachers, and it’s kinda nice to just chat from time to time.) Anyway, with that context aside–I’ve been making super good progress on my courses! As it stands I’m done almost all the work I was planning to do this year, which means in about a month, I can start to load up on grade 11 and 12 courses and spend the next six months getting myself to a place where I can hopefully graduate next year! There’s this a thing, I think, where if you graduate early you can take college classes through the school for the remainder of the time you were supposed to be working on grade twelve, all expenses paid, but don’t quote me on that, it’s been ages since I thought about it. (But if that’s still an option, that would be super cool and I’d seriously consider it!)

I’ve been thinking a lot about my future, and where I want to be in three years; looking at apartments in cities I’d like to live in someday, and planning out my finances and stuff like that. It’s so cool I’m close to entering that phase of my life! I don’t know, as a kid I always really wanted to graduate early, and I feel like my younger self would be really happy, and proud, if she knew it was looking like that might actually be a possibility for me.

Snow!

Where I live there have been a few snow warnings so far, but we haven’t actually gotten any. It’s been super cold of late though, and normally we get a few snow days in December and January, so I’m super excited for that. It only ever lasts for a week max, but my whole town always kinda freaks out and drops everything to go sledding and have fun. It’s my favourite part of winter, and it always makes me happy. (Also, I can’t wait to take a thousand really cool pictures and use them for Month in Photography, I’ve literally been waiting to do that since September. I don’t even know why that excites me so much, but it does!)

Finishing up a writing major project

So, this whole post is kinda just indirectly exposing what a giant nerd I am. But, that being said, I’ve been working on this fanfiction series which I’ve poured, like, my entire heart and soul into, for three years now, and I’m four weeks away from finishing up book two out of three. I don’t know, it’s silly and self-indulgent but it means a lot to me, and it makes me happy. It’s kinda grown up with me in a way, and taught me a lot in general. I don’t know, I work really hard at it, so it’s nice to see it finally pay off. It’s definitely got me feeling things.

Some cool upcoming meteor showers, apparently?

So, admittedly, while trying to find things to add to this list, I kinda had to google “things to look forward to in 2020” and discover this idea is really not original at all. (But most people stopped writing these posts after April, so I guess I’m, like, ahead of the curve? Or really behind it? I don’t know.) Aaanyhow, there are apparently some cool meteor showers coming up on December 13-14th and December 21st-22nd. I am absolutely in love with astronomy, which has sort of been an on-and-off obsession throughout my life. During quarantine my parents got really into stargazing, and it’s definitely rubbed off on me. I haven’t ever seen a meteor shower before though, so hopefully I’ll be able to watch one during the next month, I think that would be super cool!

Anyway, those are some neat things I’m very hyped up for! What about you? I’d love to know, hearing from you guys always makes my day. So feel free to drop it down in the comments, or let me know on social media. (I don’t bite!)

Lots of love,

Lorna

safekeeping

i’ve written so many essays over the years. cut out paragraphs; stitched together points of view. i’ve gotten pretty good at it, honestly–figured out what you want to hear, served it steaming hot on a golden platter. i’ve walked these beige halls so many times; memorized the graffiti conversations on the bathroom stalls, and grown weirdly fond of the inspirational posters. but in the end, does it really matter?

because i’ve waited at the bus stop in the pouring rain. i’ve watched it go right past me, and wished i could just scream wait. but the bus doesn’t really care about me, so i’ll just… walk around campus, and catch the 1:30.

i’ve drank coffee from a thermos, rubbed my eyes and plugged in my earbuds with a melodramatic sigh. then spent half an hour, rehearsing in my head how to ask for some graphing paper. and it’s awkward, and painful, and i’ll probably have a panic attack about it later. because i never wanted you to hurt me–but that doesn’t mean i intended to disappear so completely.

i’ve come home, and just collapsed on my bed. put on cartoons; changed into my favourite yellow sweater, drowned out a bad day beneath scalding bathwater. screamed at the sky, and cried to the river. called every single number in my phone. because i’m scared, and confused, and it feels like forever, i don’t know what to do–

because if i had a dollar, for every time someone has told me that i’m wise beyond my age, i could finally get some rest. i could take a day off, i could dream about the future. i could unclench my fists, and let myself be a kid for a few more minutes. and god, that would be nice.

i could let down my guard, for the first time since march. i could cling to your hand as we cross the street, and cry into your shoulder. i could sketch out your face on scrap paper; godlike and simple, and shove it in my wallet for safekeeping. put it in a scrapbook, someday–or whatever happy people do.

landslide

my plants all died amid the bitter winter days. i killed them in cold blood; let the bedsheets droop onto the floor. let the mugs pile up on the kitchen counter. my lunch gets cold in the microwave, and it sits there for hours.

i cry in third person over the pasta drawer. because i’m sad, and angry, and tired of this bullshit. because i’ve kept my mouth shut all day, i’ve gritted my teeth and worked around it. but my tears are sticky and pervasive. and i hate them, a little bit.

i hate the bright blue sky. i hate the bleeding roses, and the neon-yellow sunshine. because this isn’t normal, and i’m not okay.

and i just wish things were different. but i’m so fucking exhausted. and i don’t want to try anymore. i don’t want to fight. i just want to walk out to the ocean, and cry you tsunamis, and earthquakes, and landslides. i want you to just listen, for once in your life. i want you to hold my hand, and promise that it’s going to be all right; make me soup, or peanut butter crackers, like in the movies.

but right now, i guess that’s not really an option.

butterfly

it’s getting colder by the minute. as the days wither in my palms. so i pull up the hood of my jacket, shove my hands in my pockets, and run all the way home. if this is your price, i’ll pay it.

because at least i survived. at least i cried and cried and cried, and weathered the storm for just one more night. stockpiled books and candy and costco pens; made a blanket fort in my closet, for when it felt like the world was going to end. and it’s sad, and pathetic, and it shouldn’t have happened but thank god i’m here. out of desperation, or blind hope, or love, or fear…

thank god for panicked phone calls, and for flimsy notebook pages. for flannel shirts and earl grey tea, walks in the forest and mediocre therapy–

i light a fire in my chest, when sky turns black, and the vultures descend. because it happens, sometimes. and it’s not fair, and it’s not all right, but for now, this is how is. i’ll twist my scars, and scrapes, and bruises into little paper butterflies; delicate, and strange. and i’ll protect them, until my dying day.

but when it’s over, i’ll tiptoe gingerly down the hallway. i’ll pull up the bathroom window; let them go, when they’re ready. and watch, as they fly south to somewhere loving, and safe.

i hope i can join them, someday.