Shoutout Saturday (Things I’m super excited for!)

Hey guys! So, to be totally honest, I have been having an interesting few days to say the least. I’m currently in some kind of quarantine for at least the next little while. There was a COVID exposure at my school, and so even though technically we don’t have to quarantine, I’m not feeling too comfy about going out right now (both for my sake and the sake of others). Anyway, I could spend a lot of time talking about this whole mess of a situation, but honestly, don’t particularly want to think about it right now.

The TLDR is that 2020 is trash, but in an effort to find some sort of silver lining amid this less-than ideal situation, here are some things I’m looking forward to as the year draws to a close!

Hilda season two

So, as everyone probably knows, I am absolute trash for cute cartoons. I always sort of got mad at myself as a kid for liking things directed at children, and as a result never really let myself just watch fun shows without there being a guilt factor, and I stopped watching anything animated at around five. I really regret that, and I wish I had gotten to just watch fun things growing up rather than only important documentaries about tax fraud or climate change. So anyway, I’m trying to make up for that now. Hilda is this super-cute show on Netflix about this girl who’s spent her whole life living in a cabin with her mom moving to the city. She goes on all sorts of adventures, and makes friends with all these magical creatures, and it’s really sweet and wholesome–and season two is coming out on December 14th.

Turning 15

So, for obvious reason I’m not gonna say when my birthday is, but at some point in the next two-three months, I will be a full-fledged teenager, I guess? I’m probably just going to see a singular friend, two if I’m lucky, and we’ll make a cake together from scratch or something like that, go walking, and then watch some TV like we did last year, but it’ll still be a cool milestone to mark. When I was younger, I honestly couldn’t fathom being alive this long, so I feel weirdly proud to have done it. (And yes, I know, if you’re older than me you’re probably laughing right now.)

I’m really excited though, because as it stands I’m planning on actually getting myself some really cool things for my birthday. It costs a bit of money to change my blog URL (just twenty bucks, but that’s a lot of money to me right now), and so I’m planning on doing that some point soon, to lornawritesthings.com. Also, I’m finally getting a tripod to take better pictures, which is also only twenty bucks, but again, that’s a pretty big purchase for me.

Getting ahead on schoolwork

So, I do all my schoolwork via a computer–but under normal circumstances, go into a school to work on it in a computer lab there, where I can see my teachers in person and ask for help when I need it. (Also, I genuinely really like talking with my teachers, and it’s kinda nice to just chat from time to time.) Anyway, with that context aside–I’ve been making super good progress on my courses! As it stands I’m done almost all the work I was planning to do this year, which means in about a month, I can start to load up on grade 11 and 12 courses and spend the next six months getting myself to a place where I can hopefully graduate next year! There’s this a thing, I think, where if you graduate early you can take college classes through the school for the remainder of the time you were supposed to be working on grade twelve, all expenses paid, but don’t quote me on that, it’s been ages since I thought about it. (But if that’s still an option, that would be super cool and I’d seriously consider it!)

I’ve been thinking a lot about my future, and where I want to be in three years; looking at apartments in cities I’d like to live in someday, and planning out my finances and stuff like that. It’s so cool I’m close to entering that phase of my life! I don’t know, as a kid I always really wanted to graduate early, and I feel like my younger self would be really happy, and proud, if she knew it was looking like that might actually be a possibility for me.

Snow!

Where I live there have been a few snow warnings so far, but we haven’t actually gotten any. It’s been super cold of late though, and normally we get a few snow days in December and January, so I’m super excited for that. It only ever lasts for a week max, but my whole town always kinda freaks out and drops everything to go sledding and have fun. It’s my favourite part of winter, and it always makes me happy. (Also, I can’t wait to take a thousand really cool pictures and use them for Month in Photography, I’ve literally been waiting to do that since September. I don’t even know why that excites me so much, but it does!)

Finishing up a writing major project

So, this whole post is kinda just indirectly exposing what a giant nerd I am. But, that being said, I’ve been working on this fanfiction series which I’ve poured, like, my entire heart and soul into, for three years now, and I’m four weeks away from finishing up book two out of three. I don’t know, it’s silly and self-indulgent but it means a lot to me, and it makes me happy. It’s kinda grown up with me in a way, and taught me a lot in general. I don’t know, I work really hard at it, so it’s nice to see it finally pay off. It’s definitely got me feeling things.

Some cool upcoming meteor showers, apparently?

So, admittedly, while trying to find things to add to this list, I kinda had to google “things to look forward to in 2020” and discover this idea is really not original at all. (But most people stopped writing these posts after April, so I guess I’m, like, ahead of the curve? Or really behind it? I don’t know.) Aaanyhow, there are apparently some cool meteor showers coming up on December 13-14th and December 21st-22nd. I am absolutely in love with astronomy, which has sort of been an on-and-off obsession throughout my life. During quarantine my parents got really into stargazing, and it’s definitely rubbed off on me. I haven’t ever seen a meteor shower before though, so hopefully I’ll be able to watch one during the next month, I think that would be super cool!

Anyway, those are some neat things I’m very hyped up for! What about you? I’d love to know, hearing from you guys always makes my day. So feel free to drop it down in the comments, or let me know on social media. (I don’t bite!)

Lots of love,

Lorna

safekeeping

i’ve written so many essays over the years. cut out paragraphs; stitched together points of view. i’ve gotten pretty good at it, honestly–figured out what you want to hear, served it steaming hot on a golden platter. i’ve walked these beige halls so many times; memorized the graffiti conversations on the bathroom stalls, and grown weirdly fond of the inspirational posters. but in the end, does it really matter?

because i’ve waited at the bus stop in the pouring rain. i’ve watched it go right past me, and wished i could just scream wait. but the bus doesn’t really care about me, so i’ll just… walk around campus, and catch the 1:30.

i’ve drank coffee from a thermos, rubbed my eyes and plugged in my earbuds with a melodramatic sigh. then spent half an hour, rehearsing in my head how to ask for some graphing paper. and it’s awkward, and painful, and i’ll probably have a panic attack about it later. because i never wanted you to hurt me–but that doesn’t mean i intended to disappear so completely.

i’ve come home, and just collapsed on my bed. put on cartoons; changed into my favourite yellow sweater, drowned out a bad day beneath scalding bathwater. screamed at the sky, and cried to the river. called every single number in my phone. because i’m scared, and confused, and it feels like forever, i don’t know what to do–

because if i had a dollar, for every time someone has told me that i’m wise beyond my age, i could finally get some rest. i could take a day off, i could dream about the future. i could unclench my fists, and let myself be a kid for a few more minutes. and god, that would be nice.

i could let down my guard, for the first time since march. i could cling to your hand as we cross the street, and cry into your shoulder. i could sketch out your face on scrap paper; godlike and simple, and shove it in my wallet for safekeeping. put it in a scrapbook, someday–or whatever happy people do.

landslide

my plants all died amid the bitter winter days. i killed them in cold blood; let the bedsheets droop onto the floor. let the mugs pile up on the kitchen counter. my lunch gets cold in the microwave, and it sits there for hours.

i cry in third person over the pasta drawer. because i’m sad, and angry, and tired of this bullshit. because i’ve kept my mouth shut all day, i’ve gritted my teeth and worked around it. but my tears are sticky and pervasive. and i hate them, a little bit.

i hate the bright blue sky. i hate the bleeding roses, and the neon-yellow sunshine. because this isn’t normal, and i’m not okay.

and i just wish things were different. but i’m so fucking exhausted. and i don’t want to try anymore. i don’t want to fight. i just want to walk out to the ocean, and cry you tsunamis, and earthquakes, and landslides. i want you to just listen, for once in your life. i want you to hold my hand, and promise that it’s going to be all right; make me soup, or peanut butter crackers, like in the movies.

but right now, i guess that’s not really an option.

butterfly

it’s getting colder by the minute. as the days wither in my palms. so i pull up the hood of my jacket, shove my hands in my pockets, and run all the way home. if this is your price, i’ll pay it.

because at least i survived. at least i cried and cried and cried, and weathered the storm for just one more night. stockpiled books and candy and costco pens; made a blanket fort in my closet, for when it felt like the world was going to end. and it’s sad, and pathetic, and it shouldn’t have happened but thank god i’m here. out of desperation, or blind hope, or love, or fear…

thank god for panicked phone calls, and for flimsy notebook pages. for flannel shirts and earl grey tea, walks in the forest and mediocre therapy–

i light a fire in my chest, when sky turns black, and the vultures descend. because it happens, sometimes. and it’s not fair, and it’s not all right, but for now, this is how is. i’ll twist my scars, and scrapes, and bruises into little paper butterflies; delicate, and strange. and i’ll protect them, until my dying day.

but when it’s over, i’ll tiptoe gingerly down the hallway. i’ll pull up the bathroom window; let them go, when they’re ready. and watch, as they fly south to somewhere loving, and safe.

i hope i can join them, someday.

dandelion girl

she blows me away. in some meadow in france, or spain. lays her dreams on my trembling arms, and kisses my cheek. i won’t say a word, as the breeze makes me dizzy, and the clouds begin to blur. i know it’s silly, but i don’t feel like myself anymore.

not really. because my heart is cold, and far away. my phone knows me too well, and the thunder lasts for days. but the girl i knew would have run towards the storm, just to let the sky put her in her place. she was sad, and reckless… and she was so fucking brave.

she pats me on the back, and mumbles some platitude, about getting better. about how it’s gonna be all right someday, or whatever. and i cling to it like it’s all i have left, when my fingers go numb, and the clouds turn black and blue.

they say religion is faith without reason, and i think that’s what i have to do. so i will worship in the church of okay. where for a few precious hours, my breathing is slow, and steady. and my hands don’t shake.

***

i make a home on the edge of disaster. lay down roots between the concrete slabs, and do what i have to. save up like my life depends on it. feverishly watch the news.

just to see them; with their brilliant smiles, and their words like sharp glass. they’re beautiful, and kind, and everything i want to be someday. i hate them like i hate you.

because how dare you speak out, while i sit in the corner, eating my own words for dinner and ignoring the bitter taste. how dare you be so vulnerable, and brave? how dare you hope, how dare you sing, how dare you make me smile on bad days?

i’ve never been much of an artist. but i spend lazy afternoons, with some sitcom playing in the background–shaping myself from messy river clay. but it’s never quite right. i watch the ceramic shatter, and storm away.

the girl is waiting for me. her hair is wispy, and her gap-toothed smile makes me giggle. she dances around the kitchen, dodging the shards of ceramic with a six year old’s precision. she cries, and i bandage up her wounds.

i’ll bury her one day, beneath autumn leaves and her favourite stuffed animals. write her a eulogy. it’s convoluted, and kinda shitty. something about moving on, and trees. i’ll make a million daisy chains, i’ll let her blow away in the breeze.

and who knows? maybe i’ll even light a candle.

.