dial tone

the pulsing groan of the dial tone works its way through my mind. and if i watch enough tv, maybe i’ll still be there to see the world vanish softly, and melt into my tired insides.

go away. go away. go away. just leave me alone in my fucking garbage dump of a brain. because i’m not a person anymore. i’m just a diagnosis, or a label, or something like that. and if this illness defines me, then does that mean i need to be sick to be happy?

does that mean no one really loves me? does that mean i can’t even trust one fucking word you’ve told me? or is this all just my mind, messing with me?

just make it all stop, okay? i’m not ready yet. i’m not ready for any of this. i’m not ready for time to exist, and i’m sorry.

but i don’t think i can do this.


I wrote the original draft of this poem really late at night, and I’m not sure what it’s about, but it’s definitely a pretty good picture of the weird mental state I’ve been in of late.

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ash (spoken word)


“El Infausto Ladrón de Joyas A” used according to license from the wonderful patrickdeartegea.com

“AM Radio Tuning Sound” by SailorMoonFan from soundbible.com (found here: http://soundbible.com/2099-AM-Radio-Tuning.html)

“Hard Drive Clicking Sound” by Robertv on soundbible.com (found here: http://soundbible.com/1951-Hard-Drive-Clicking.html)

Read the written version here. All tracks have been edited by me. Find me on PatreonYouTubeInstagramWattpadTumblr, and on Twitter.

 

 

i am strong (or something like that)

i wanna write something real.

i wanna write something that doesn’t feel like it’s sugarcoating what’s happening, because what’s happening is i am falling. i am falling, from everything i used to be. and i know it looks pretty awesome from where you’re standing but trust me. living my life isn’t easy.

i wanna write something that makes me feel awake. because to be honest, i haven’t been feeling that way a lot these days. 

i wanna write something. because i have a voice, and i want to use it. because i am not a curse to the world i live in, and the greatest thing i could do is so much more than be erased. you know that right? we don’t deserve to live this way.

apologizing for our dreams, and our hopes, and our feelings. apologizing for being here. apologizing, because it’s the next best thing we can do to disappear.

you know, you are not defined by your mistakes. you are worth so much more than your worst moments, or the times when they looked you in the eye right before they threw you away.

you are the flower growing through the crack in the sidewalk no one ever thought to water. you are the whisper that becomes a voice that becomes a roar. you are the whole sky staring right back at you in the mirror. you are the everyday magic it takes to get out of bed, and get ready for school, and somehow have the courage to stitch yourself back together just enough to make it through.

so i wanna write something for myself. i wanna write something for all of you. 

i wanna write something like the driftwoood raft you used so long ago when everything fell apart. when the ship crashed, and it all went dark, and you were completely fucking alone. 

i wanna write something that feels, despite all of this, like the smallest piece of home.


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reading old writing with @_creamtea_ – happy blogiversary!


Music is by FlashRocky on freesound.org , found here (https://freesound.org/people/FlashRocky/sounds/434866/)
Used under this license: https://creativecommons.org/publicdomain/zero/1.0/
This music has been modified by me. Accessed January 11th, 2020.
Check out Creme on Wattpad here: https://www.wattpad.com/user/_creamtea_
Check me out on other internet places here: https://linktr.ee/goldfishandthemicrophone

Happy blogiversary everyone! Thanks so much to everyone who listened to the whole of this chaotic puddle of a recording. I’m so glad I started posting my work on the internet, and I hope 2020 is an amazing year for all of us. ❤
-dragonwritesthings

ash

and / i can’t breathe / and my stomach twists / and my capillaries fracture / and it all crumbles slowly / and i know what you think but can you really trust them? honestly? / and my chest shatters awkwardly / and my body catches fire / and now i am dust in the wind / and i’ll try to scream / but i don’t think anyone’s gonna hear it / and i am broken-down bones and deserted lungs /  i am the epitome of trying to pour from an empty cup / and you must be so proud because / you did it / you really / fucking / did it / broke me apart / tore me down / fallen trees and power’s out / and all i want in the world right now is to get you out. 


Find me on PatreonYouTubeInstagramWattpadTumblr, and on Twitter.