november 27th, 2019

i’m losing control. i know i’m losing my control. and you’re inside of me now. swimming in my throat.

so get away from me. get away from me. because i’m going to explode.

because i’ve been hurt enough times that i am not going to take the risk of letting go. and don’t touch me. get off me. i don’t deserve your love, and in the end you’re only going to reject me. i don’t think i was made for this kind of reality.

so close your eyes, okay? say that you hate me until i beg you not to go, and gouge scars into my chest, right through my clothes. slam the door closed…


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avoidance strategies (spoken word)


Royalty free music from https://patrickdearteaga.com/royalty-free-music/
“quiet surf on the lake” by SavvahSjuhengof on freesound.org (https://freesound.org/people/SavvahSjuhengof/sounds/345120/)
“river & lake” by klankbeeld on freesound.org (https://freesound.org/people/klankbeeld/sounds/399857/)
All sounds have been edited by me. Thank you so so much to all the amazing, talented creators who put their sound effects and music out there royalty-free. ❤

Read the written version here. Find me on PatreonYouTubeInstagramWattpadTumblr, and on Twitter.

avoidance strategies

if i don’t think about it, i won’t have to do anything about it, at least for tonight. and that’s enough for me, okay? just give me one more day, where i don’t have to be afraid of who i’ll become when i turn and face the light. 

if i don’t think about it, i’ll have just a little longer to hold the world in my hands, and let it stir in my chest. let it make me so scared it’s hard to breathe and did i ever not feel this exhausted?

and you see, my mind is feeling like an electric fence today. and every step forward i take is some kind of calamity, and today, my mind is endless pounding gravity, dragging me down, down, down, crushing hopes and dreams into a solid ball of matter until there’s nothing left i remember. 

today, my mind plays guard. and i am its prisoner.


Check out the spoken word version here. Find me on PatreonYouTubeInstagramWattpadTumblr, and on Twitter.

photo album

and in the photo album, it all looks so perfect. doesn’t it? hallmark smiles, and christmas card messages, and maybe if we keep going at this we can just pretend there’s nothing off about it.

in the photo album, i do not have mental illness. i am just a smiling little girl, with freckles on her cheeks, and the wind in her hair, and in the end, i am nothing more than a pretty face. sitting there.

in the photo album, maybe i am just being stupid. and dramatic. but i still can’t help but feel the fault lines wracking through me, except… maybe this isn’t really me. maybe this brain was never mine, and maybe i am out of place inside this body.

maybe i made it all up. maybe i don’t remember it correctly, because if i was so miserable how can i look so happy?


I went through all my old childhood pictures and videos and stuff on my laptop a couple days ago, and kind of broke down a little afterward. Not in a loud way. It just triggered this chain of denial inside me–like, I’m just lying, I don’t really have anxiety. I guess this was what I wrote to at least attempt to deal with those feelings.

as long as you’re there, i won’t have to be alone

let me bury my thoughts in your arms. your warm, soft arms, that always feel like home. let me drown in your problems, so i will never have to think about my own. because i don’t know how to do this. i don’t know why i’m even trying. so…

so as long as you’re with me, i won’t have to be lost, or scared, or alone. because god do i feel alone. and i know this is stupid, but i just… it’s all so dark inside my head. and i still can’t find a lightswitch or i don’t know. i’m just so scared of what happens next. 

when i crawl out of the coffin nestled deep in my skull. and maybe for the first time in my life, i’ll really see the world.


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