pandora

pandora(1)


trigger warning: suicidal thoughts, self-harm

because have you ever heard this story? the one about a girl who has monsters in her head since the day she is born. the one where the girl grows up like a bomb just waiting to go off building walls of fire around her skull and watching as little peices of her slowly. let. go. the one where the girl lets the monsters out, and it looks a lot like a tornado. and the girl has trouble sleeping at night because she knows that if she does she’ll be alone. the one about the girl who some days feels like nothing more than a calamity. the one where sometimes, the girl worries until she can’t breathe because at least anxiety counts as company. and so the girl drowns herself in self-hatred. smashes her heart and tries her best to bury the pieces and burying the pieces turns into lying on the floor bleeding like a catastrophe and then the girl realizes. that people don’t like you when you’re messy. and so the girl stuffs her mental illness into a box and hopes that’ll make this ok because really, i’m fine, i mean whatever i just want to die sometimes just want to tear myself apart when i look in the mirror right just imaging slicing myself up piece by piece until i’m skinny because sometimes it’s just hard to lie there alone with my body. and so the girl closes her eyes, and learns that sometimes, when they feel like they can’t handle it anymore, even seeds go into a kind of protected mode, somewhere between life and death and i am the girl, with her headphones turned all. the fucking. way. up. and i am the girl, and it’s one of those days. when i can feel myself collapsing and it just feels somehow like the end. like maybe this was just one massive game of pretend. and maybe i’m still more alone than ever now because all i ever wanted was for someone to stay. because i don’t need you to be perfect. i just need you to promise you’ll still be there with me.  but right now, you’re not even saying anything. so have you heard the story about a girl called pandora whose monsters swirl around her head, and she can feel them, slipping into her skin and taking control. again.


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i cry on and off for two hours but when i’m finished nothing is better

i cry on and off for two hours but when i'm finished nothing is better(1)(1)

trigger warning: suicidal thoughts, self-harm

it is the kind of day that needs a hug. the kind of day that sprinkles rain on your cheeks, and you’re on the curb after counselling, still half in the middle of crying. crying because you don’t know. crying because even after an hour of talking about it it’s confusing. crying because you want it to stop hurting. crying because you need therapy and you’re so fucking scared of where you’d be if you hadn’t gotten help. crying because where are you. crying because i need you. crying it’s cold out. crying because i love you. crying because yesterday you told me you were moving which is not really a big deal when i love you but i’m also scared you don’t care about me in the same way. crying because i don’t know. crying because i am not alone. crying because i can’t sleep, and the weight of everything just feels. so. heavy. crying because it is the kind of day where you can only half-believe you’re awake. and you don’t know how to tell anybody but last night you fell asleep imagining suicide notes and it was hard not to just beg the sky to slam your eyes closed for a while honestly. the kind of day where you just want to wrap yourself in whatever will numb the pain. the kind of day where you wrap yourself in blankets, and watch harry potter movies, and try to whisk away the monster in your head with lavender tea. and coffee. and you tell yourself you’re worthless in the mirror, waiting for the moment it sinks in because you’re just so scared no one will ever come. no one will ever stay. no one will after wrap their arms around you without being asked first. and it’s ok if we both cry, i just need someone’s arms. and someone’s hands. and someone who sounds like a best friend. because when i’m with you… i don’t want to be dead.


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this is a poem (spoken word)

this is a poem(4).jpg

read the text to this poem here.



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how to bury a feeling (spoken word)

trigger warning: mentions of bullying, self-hatred, depersonalization, anxiety, depression


watch the youtube video (if you want to) below:

 


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patronus (spoken word)

trigger warning: suicidal thoughts, depression/hopelessness


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