april 7th, 2020

haven’t you heard? it’s the end of the world, baby.

burning skies. flaming asteroids. and barely averted apocalypses. and if you can’t breathe, good. because you brought this upon yourself. and you deserve every fucking inch of it. so breathe it in. open your eyes, and drown in the weight of it.

just grit your teeth. and do it. because this is it. this is the world you have to live in. there’s no changing it.

and whisper sweet nothings in  my ear, hot breath across my shoulder. and watch, as my skin catches fire. and my lungs shrivel up like old newspaper.

and i’ll beg you for help. and you’ll just look down at me in pity, and laugh.

oh sweetheart. you still think the world works like that?

The thing that’s so scary about this pandemic isn’t really the pandemic itself for me (given I’m not at risk for it). It’s seeing firsthand that the world I trusted can splinter apart in an instant. And yeah, sure, it’s something you hear about in my theory. But I’ve never lived through a crisis like this before, and I guess that’s what makes it feel so scary.  Because now all I can think is that the rest of my life i just going to be this. Panic and isolation and constantly just barely holding the world together. I don’t want the rest of my life to be like that.

And sometimes, it’s just easier to pretend. Because I don’t know how else to deal with this. pretend everything is fine, and easy, and perfect.  Just like I wish it were. And I know they say that everyone’s voice matters, but… I don’t know. These days, it’s hard not to feel just a little hopeless.

Um, on another, less sad note, the first episode of my podcast just came out, so get excited! You can check it out here.


Copy thunder(2)

trigger warning: self-harm mention

i want to scream and / i want to break things  and / i want to see the look on your face when you realize i don’t care in this moment because my mind is a graveyard and the trees will shatter in the wind and the pavement will crumple and after this storm there’ll be nothing left inside me and that will probably be better than this because i’m fucking tired of this cacophony in my head / and writing this feels kind of good because i know it scares you but i need to scream somehow and through all this i’m honestly terrified that i was only made to break things / that this monster in my chest is really the only thing that controls me / because i want the thunder to roll above me and i want to not be afraid this time / i want to run out into the storm and tilt my head up to the sky and hold out my arms out like a bird because i think the world is falling apart but a small part of me has always wanted to fly / and the rain falls so hard it hurts and i’m only half yours and the calming music just makes it hurt more / and thinking about it is smashing a hammer against a glass jar and laughing as it falls apart / and the lightning roars / and the sky goes kind of black and they tell me not to have anything plugged into the outlets because my head is a mess and explosions are a thing that happen / and i can’t even process the idea / that one day  everything could go dark / and maybe that’s better because i hate the world for being so broken and i hate myself for being responsible for it / and the ink of the past smeared across my cheeks but it looks just a little bit like war paint if you tilt your head a certain way / and i want to find a way to deal with this / but i don’t think i can do that while you’re listening and the lightning crackles through my veins and my fists are wrecking balls and my thighs are buildings scheduled for destruction / and at the eye of the storm you can’t really feel anything / and i hate myself but right now it’s kind of diluted which is a relief because i’m tired of feeling everything in high definition / and right now there are tears streaming down my cheeks and the concrete tattoos itself into my knees and my lungs shake and i want to rip myself to pieces for so many goddamn reasons and the moonlight dances through my eyelids / and i don’t care about anything and i hate myself for not caring about anything which proves that i care about something / but i don’t want to care about anything / if i’m only going to have to watch it shatter in front of me / as i stand there frozen to the floorboards and the tears burn like acid / burn like acid / burn like acid / and i’m empty

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