breathe

anxiety thoughts. like maybe i don’t deserve to be here. maybe it’s all my fault.  and of course they don’t make sense. but i still believe them. just in case i’m wrong about that.

roaring wind. and the ocean, and don’t look down. don’t look down. don’t think for one second you can trust yourself. or… not yourself. your illness.  some days it’s hard to tell the difference.

don’t ask. just keep apologizing, and apologizing, and apologizing, until you forget what you’re even saying. because it’s better safe than sorry. better self-destructive than lonely. and if anyone else hates me more than i have hated myself, i think i’ll probably explode or something. 

until you can’t say anything. until you’re hiding behind a bookshelf, because what if you do something wrong, and i guess today’s mood is just anxious with a side of numb.

you know, you’re supposed to just stop. and maybe there’s something wrong with me, but it’s never been that easy. it’s dragging yourself up a mountain in the freezing cold. it’s rocks on your hands, and maybe you’re bleeding no one knows, and at this point all you want is to make it out of the snow. but maybe that’s not going to happen. so maybe it would be better to just close your eyes, and look up at the sky, and let go. 

like this is just a fairytale. where you fall into someone else’s arms, and just pretend it’s fine just drink more water just try new clothes and look at you. it’s over. you’re good to go.

but… that never works. just in case you didn’t know.