lighter fluid

drown it in whisky. i’m bored of this toxic cycle, of this endless stream of words; love letters addressed to nobody. so bring out the lighter, and worship the growing flame. i hope the ash buries you. i hope the sky turns grey.

i want to watch the cities burn, i want to watch the stars flake off like old paint. because i don’t know, it’s pretty, in a morbid kind of way. and once you start, you just can’t stop, and pretty soon i’m lying awake at 12:32a.m., wondering where the hell i went wrong.

pretty soon, i’m waking up with frost on my fingertips and watching teen rom coms all day, because god, i wish my life could be like that; bursting in colour, with a vibrant cast of characters, and sure we fight sometimes, but in the end we all love each other.

and i try so fucking hard, you know that? to be good, and smart, and strong; your golden little catastrophe. i read the warning signs, and i followed the directions, and i don’t get it. this wasn’t supposed to happen to me.

i thought i was better. i thought i could do this. which is arrogant, and stupid. so watch me douse this whole mess in lighter fluid, and set it ablaze. because it’s a cold december morning, and i have to burn something, okay?

unlikely anxiety thoughts at 9:40p.m.

what if i fall? what if the night grows taller, and taller, and taller, until the weight of the blackness is nothing like i’ve ever seen before? what if i were to crumble? what if everything i thought was true was never really there at all?

so i’ll hold you close. and i’ll try to breathe. but i don’t know what i need to do to make the darkness cease. and the shadows flicker, and dance, and they pull me in. ever so gently. 

and everything is broken, and everything is broken, and everything is broken. only it’s just 9:40p.m., and nothing has happened. but i’ll still bathe in the adrenaline until i’m numb to everything beyond it.

until in my head, i am standing at the edge. and if i take one. more. step… i don’t know.  you tell me what’s going to happen.

trying out a new format. 🙂